Things

Gift for Christmas

2009-12-06T20:12:00.004-07:00

Maybe one gift people can give this season is to get OUT of the Fast Lane unless they're actually GOING fast.

Novel, no doubt, but thoughtful, to be sure.

Vote Day

2009-11-03T08:30:00.002-07:00

I voted.

Duly noted.

Dog

2009-10-18T12:57:00.003-06:00

If I had a dog and we were in a deep discussion today, I still think at the end of it all I would probably still say, "Quit whining."

Pop It

2009-10-17T21:41:00.001-06:00

Therapy is pricey. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.

Gone All Day

2009-09-21T22:20:00.001-06:00

Ever feel like, "I could've gone ALL day without having to see that visual"?

Marie Says Laugh

2009-09-12T18:18:00.001-06:00

I heard Marie Osmond said, "If you're going to be able to look back on something & laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now," and she's rich, so . . .

Skinny Good?

2009-09-05T10:45:00.002-06:00

Whenever I start getting skinny, my elbow hurts.

Style

2009-08-28T13:46:00.001-06:00

I think "in style" is relative, but I think most of my relatives are not in style. I'm just sayin' . . .

Boring

2009-08-27T22:49:00.000-06:00

I think if Jonathan Livingston Seagull ever made a comeback, I'd be just as bored the second time.

Lert

2009-08-26T13:44:00.000-06:00

New Favorite Quote (which is really an old quote):

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Campus Stalker?

2009-07-09T14:10:00.003-06:00

Is it just me or does this women look less like she's glad to be at college and more like someone's chasing her across campus?

Why Not

2009-06-22T10:18:00.002-06:00

When someone asks, "Why?" and the other person says, "Why not!" isn't that a copout?

They should just say, "I dunno & I'm LAME!" or "I can't think of anything intelligent & MAN you ask good one-word questions!"

Keep it real.

Girls

2009-06-15T11:07:00.001-06:00

Girls drop things.

It's irrefutable.

Short Work Week

2009-05-26T08:33:00.000-06:00

If it's a short work week, like everyone's saying, why don't we just have short people work it?

Makes sense.

Airline Online

2009-05-23T20:41:00.003-06:00

I wish when you reserve an airline seat online, the map would tell you about the people around you--that guy's a jerk, this one's mellow. A talker. Kinda nosey. Whoa, BO to the left.

Stuff like that would help a LOT.

Snort

2009-05-21T19:27:00.000-06:00

So say you're laughing hard and you snort mid-laugh. How do you recover?

Not that I've done that, but I have a friend...

TMI?

2009-05-14T12:38:00.000-06:00

So if I say it's really hot, and a friend says, "Yeah, I'm sweatin' in six places," is that TMI?

Curls

2009-05-12T10:21:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I like to tame my curls.
Sometimes I let them go wild.
That's how I roll.
That's how they roll.

Seat Belts

2009-05-10T09:56:00.002-06:00

Seat belts can help even in the rain, my friend.

Dumb Free Offer

2009-05-09T14:48:00.004-06:00

Dumbest offer I've seen so far today:
Buy any 2 sets of guitar strings or 1 set of bass strings between May 1, 2009 and July 31, 2009 and get a FREE Elixir® Strings t-shirt! WOW.

You GOTTA Be KIDDIN' ME! A FREE t-shirt that says Elixir strings! CRAZY WILD Stuff!

Hey, how 'bout a free guitar?! Huh?

Punching Hot

2009-05-03T09:51:00.003-06:00

Somtimes when I'm in a hot, crowded room and am sweating down both sides of my forehead and someone comes up to me and says, "Hey, you're sweating," I wanna say, "Uh, yeah, I KNOW that, Forrest." And then I wanna punch him.

Is that wrong?

Greatness

2009-04-27T15:07:00.000-06:00

I love this quote I just read in Time:

I have always felt destined for greatness. So far, this has been a total bust.

Red & Green

2009-04-23T17:02:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when my face fries into a bright red sunburn (like today), I think, "Well, my eyes are green, which complements red, so maybe God wants it that way."

Walking Love Story

2009-04-22T11:37:00.003-06:00

Walking from my office to CaliPizzaKitchen is the equivalent of one Taylor Swift rendition of Love Story--3 min. 55 sec. ExACTly.

What's your time?

Cat Sit?

2009-04-02T12:33:00.006-06:00

My family is trying to teach our cat to sit. I'm trying to teach our cat to run--run like the wind. (It's a big world. Explore.)

Weight Loss

2009-03-30T22:26:00.002-06:00

I just developed a new weight loss program -- Brush Teeth at 7 p.m.

So far, so good.

Why a Pencil?

2009-03-20T08:33:00.001-06:00

I don't really see the point in using a pencil.

Until Songs Stop

2009-03-19T18:46:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I can't stop until the songs stop.

And with so many on the iPod, iPhone, etc., I fear I'm not going to be stopping for a long time.

Zumba!

2009-03-17T09:02:00.004-06:00

I've just been invited to go to a Zumba class when I'm in New York in a few weeks. Should I?

Apple inTune?

2009-03-13T16:28:00.003-06:00

Why can't the iPhone make it so when you transfer a new song to it that you really want to hear (which is WHY you bought it), that song will play and play until you're sick of it?

Apple people, time is limited. Help us out here.

Colors

2009-03-10T11:28:00.000-06:00

I hate red pens that have black or blue ink.

If you're gonna be red, be red. Show your colors, man.

Radio Friend

2009-03-07T13:21:00.005-07:00

Someone on the radio said he was bothered that he had such a hard time making friends, finding friends and keeping friends.

And I was thinking . . . "Maybe it's because you have a lisp."

Our Cat

2009-02-21T10:58:00.004-07:00

It's official. Our cat's bipolar. I'm not kidding.

Big Snow

2009-02-16T16:33:00.001-07:00

It snowed next door. Snow came down big.

Lunchtime My Time

2009-02-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I bring my lunch to work, I don't wanna wait 'til lunchtime. Food's there. It's ready. So am I, shoot.

Two

2009-02-05T12:20:00.002-07:00

Next time someone says, "Two can play that game," say, "Two should."

Touche.

Fending Off the Cat

2009-01-27T23:11:00.002-07:00

It's not that I'm totally proud of this, but I had to put a Restraining Order on my cat. He can't get within 100 feet of me now. . . or else.

All things considered, it's fair.

No Pants Policy Out of Control

2009-01-24T11:38:00.009-07:00

Last summer, I came up with a No Pants Policy at work (not that risque; people just had to wear shorts but it sounded cool).

So my brother, who lives NOT in a warm climate, took a picture of himself tyring it in his home state.

Very funny man. And freezing his tail off, but still. Here's his blog.

Wisdom, Patience

2009-01-21T17:37:00.003-07:00

May we all have the same wisdom and patience.

Smog

2009-01-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

Smog makes me feel like I live in a big city again. Especially the night shots of the city. Cool.

It's a Fact

2009-01-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes . . . Women drivers . . .

5 Minutes

2009-01-16T18:00:00.001-07:00

When someone says it'll take just 5 minutes or do you have 5 minutes or I'll be back in 5 minutes, uh, it's never 5 minutes.

Agree?

Sneeze Not

2009-01-12T10:38:00.001-07:00

I've decided I hate sneezing.

What do you hate? (I know hate is a strong word, but, hey, it's an emotion and sometimes . . . )

Ziploc

2009-01-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

I'm liking Ziplocs more and more.

Your Verse

2009-01-02T13:20:00.001-07:00

The powerful play goes on
And you may contribute a verse.

The powerful play goes on
And you may contribute a verse.

What will your verse be?

- Dead Poets Society

Imagine, You Can Change the World

2008-12-30T15:27:00.004-07:00

What do you think? A great use of an icon (since it had Yoko's approval) or is it digitally creepy?

That Tone

2008-12-20T23:28:00.001-07:00

Next time somebody says ANYthing to you, respond with, "Okay, THAT Tone. . ."

Road Trip!

2008-12-16T11:26:00.004-07:00

Sweeeeeeeeeeet.

Stage Left

2008-12-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

So I finally figured it out -- for an actor, Stage Left is to his left.

Good to know.
(Hey, I didn't major in that.)

Hammer Time

2008-12-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.

Walk the Talk

2008-12-03T12:32:00.001-07:00

What if an active walker wished to be healthy until his dying day and then a car hit him in a crosswalk and he died?

Guess he got his wish.

Oh My

2008-11-26T18:01:00.004-07:00

Can you believe it?

It makes me wanna sing Jumpin' Jack Flash, even though that (Rolling Stones) song has nothing to do with low gas costs. Still.

Citrus Makes Hearts Fond?

2008-11-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

I just read that a citrus scent makes a middle-aged woman appear to be six years younger than she is to a man.

Isn't it more like FIVE years?

Low

2008-11-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

How low can it go?

Shuck 'n Jive

2008-11-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

When's the last time you used the phrase, "Shuck 'n jive"?

Faux Pas

2008-11-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to use "faux pas" in a sentence (without the accent) and make it sound natural.

Down With Gas

2008-11-12T22:33:00.003-07:00

I never thought I'd see the day. You know of any cheaper?

iPod

2008-11-11T18:29:00.002-07:00

Is it true that the more songs you load onto your iPod, the heavier it gets?

New Goal

2008-11-06T17:55:00.002-07:00

My new goal is not to be low maintenance but no maintenance.

Yours?

First Time

2008-11-05T12:44:00.004-07:00

My good friend Alison just asked me:

"When's the last time you did something for the first time?"

Alison is wise. (But why does she speak in italics?)

Your Heart

2008-10-31T21:49:00.000-06:00

I'm interested in talking to those who voted "Your heart" on the "Which is harder to open" poll.

Back of Your Head

2008-10-28T07:36:00.002-06:00

Whenever professorial types pontificate (boring) with:

"I've had something no-o-o-odling in the back of my head,"

(like we should all be impressed), I think, "Are you sure it's the back and not the side, you know, where that bulge is?"

Applause

2008-10-26T17:23:00.003-06:00

You know when you're at an event and someone performs and the crowd applauds but usually the applause erupts because one brave soul starts the applause?

Yeah, that's usually me. It's like my only talent.

Bugs

2008-10-24T20:28:00.000-06:00

I submit that from here on out, bugs have identifiers, so we'll know where they came from and where the rest are hiding -- so we can just get it over with.

You and I

2008-10-22T13:09:00.001-06:00

Try saying this when you're stuck next time:

That's why you are you and I am I.

It works. Trust me.

Under the Bus

2008-10-21T18:24:00.001-06:00

I can't help but laugh when I hear someone say, "Guess they threw you under the bus" because yeah, it's gruesome but really visual.

Unused Icons

2008-10-20T07:49:00.000-06:00

When I get that computer message:

"There are unused icons on your desktop"

I wanna respond with:

"There are unused socks in your drawer!"

Is it BOTHERING THEM that I have unused icons? Like there's a shortage of screen space? I mean, I put it there for a reason AND they ALLOWED it.

Use Me

2008-10-18T11:38:00.002-06:00

Someone said:

Use me.
Abuse me.
But never lose me.

Which I thought was cute, except for that abuse part, but the cadence and rhyme...unbeatable.

Planet Dork??

2008-10-16T12:52:00.001-06:00

I love this commercial. What's your favorite line?

Let's Just Say

2008-10-15T12:28:00.003-06:00

Sometimes when you're verbally trapped, maybe the best thing to say is,

"Look, for the sake of argument, let's just say I'm right"

and then just keep on talking. Most people will follow.

Peace & Love from Ringo?

2008-10-14T18:05:00.000-06:00

Ringo, Ringo, Ringo. If you don't want to sign things, just don't. You don't have to turn off the whole world.

http://ringostarr.com/home.php

Besides, who's STILL sending stuff to get autographs??

Getting Up

2008-10-13T19:31:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when you're down, maybe the best thing to say is,

"Hey, I'm down. I'm really down."

And quit fighting it. Sometimes fighting being down can be really depressing.

Sneeze It

2008-10-12T07:57:00.000-06:00

Why can't a sneeze just all come at once?

Why does it have to cut it into two or three?

You

2008-10-11T21:31:00.001-06:00

I just saw your picture and it made me think of you. Not for long, just for a moment, but still.

Knuckle Bug

2008-10-10T18:42:00.001-06:00

Why does hearing others crack their knuckles bug?

What bugs you like that?

Showers

2008-10-08T20:09:00.001-06:00

So let's just say if you're wondering out loud if you should take a shower or not, take it.

And if it's been awhile, shower with soap. Your choice of fragrance. Just shower, k? (And while you lather, bask in the joy that you're not at a campout anymore.)

Fast Lane

2008-10-06T07:47:00.002-06:00

Few things in life are better than "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles magically popping up on your radio, cranking it louder AND actually BEING in the fast lane, freeway-speaking, of course.

It Is What It Is

2008-10-04T17:39:00.002-06:00

I've learned that sometimes, the best response is to conclude: "It is what it is."

Favorite TV

2008-10-02T23:35:00.001-06:00

It's kinda sad when you're on the road and discover your favorite channel on TV is The Weather Channel.

But the maps in motion. Wow.

Taxi 2

2008-10-01T21:31:00.002-06:00

Oops. Today, I shouted for a taxi.

But I didn't yell, "TAXI!" I was racing out of a building, needed to grab a cab, saw one that didn't see me and hollered, "YO!" And, yeah, he stopped.

Taxi!

2008-09-29T18:26:00.003-06:00

I've seen hundreds of people hail cabs in New York, and I've never seen anyone actually shout, "TAXI!" except in movies.

Oh, what a tangled web they weave. . .

Flights

2008-09-27T21:18:00.005-06:00

So I'm on this five-hour, cross-country flight, and 90 minutes into it, the guy next to me has Flight Breath and he won't stop exhaling.

HOW could he NOT know?? Cookies. Peanuts. Diet Cola -- SOMEthing. Just swallow to dampen the effect. Or nostrils. Just use the nostrils.

What do you DO when you're trapped?

If I Ever

2008-09-22T18:57:00.003-06:00

If I ever start treating a pet like a person, you know, like on a daily basis, slap me.

At a Loss

2008-09-21T22:32:00.001-06:00

A year ago today, my dad died.

Does the emptiness ever go away?

Makes Me Laugh

2008-09-19T08:34:00.001-06:00

Somtimes I say something just to make another person laugh. It started when I said something in kindergarten, others laughed and that tickled my tummy.

When no one laughs, it makes my stomach kinda hurt, but that's where Pepto coats.

Just for a Day

2008-09-17T20:01:00.003-06:00

Just for a day, instead of saying, "Okay?" or "Do you agree?" say, "Ya dig?"

But when you say it, say it with confidence, like "Yeah, they're gonna dig" and then let me know, ya dig?

Distance From Dumb

2008-09-15T21:47:00.001-06:00

I've always tried to keep my distance from knowing ANYthing about Dumb & Dumber, but more friends keep haunting me with it.

Hard Hitting

2008-09-13T20:48:00.001-06:00

It's always interesting when the football coach says, "We told our team it's gonna be a hard-hitting game."

As if you could ever imagine a coach saying, "Boys, today we're going for a medium-hitting game, so, uh, dial it back a little. We'll do the hard-hitting version next time."

When I Retire

2008-09-09T23:19:00.002-06:00

When I retire, I think I'm going to write a series of books centered around the central figure (with glasses) called:

Larry Potter.

Seared in Memory

2008-09-08T22:12:00.003-06:00

On the new Seinfeld/Bill Gates TV ad, I'm just not sure I wanna see two old guys' butts with one of them doing a little wiggle.

It's now seared in my brain and I don't think that's fair.

Can't Sleep?

2008-09-06T06:20:00.002-06:00

When my kids were young, whenever one of them would walk in our bedroom, wake me and say, "I can't sleep," I'd say, "Maybe it's because your eyes are open."

That logic cured them. And you're welcome.

Dance, Dance, Dance

2008-09-04T22:02:00.000-06:00

Don't you love how groups of complete strangers in movies can SUDDENLY break into spontaneous song and dance and be perfectly in sync?

How DO they do that?

Neck Poppin'

2008-09-02T12:46:00.000-06:00

So you know when you pop your neck by pulling your ear to your shoulder?

Lately, mine only pops when I'm going to the right, and I'm thinkin' something's starting to fall apart.

What do you pop and who gets annoyed?

Lungs

2008-09-01T07:48:00.001-06:00

When someone says they were screaming at the top of their lungs, don't they mean from the bottom of their lungs?

Falling in Love

2008-08-30T22:55:00.002-06:00

Generally, which do you think falls in love quicker: Women or Men?

Why?

Dimples

2008-08-28T22:49:00.002-06:00

My daughter told me some Chinese guy said you can actually make your OWN dimples by smiling a certain way real hard for a long time.

Huh? Don't dimples either come: 1. Naturally, or 2. From a kit?

Never Ever

2008-08-27T07:53:00.001-06:00

I've never caught a fish.

What have You never done?

Ritz

2008-08-25T10:57:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've really taken a liking to Ritz crackers.

Gold and Silver

2008-08-23T13:37:00.002-06:00

So the NBC Olympics commentator for women's synchronized swimming just said:

"These women have to earn it. They know they're not just going to get a gold medal handed to them on a silver platter."

Uh, yeah...wouldn't it be a gold platter?

Fat Happy

2008-08-22T22:35:00.000-06:00

Do you think fat cells are happier because, you know, they're bigger and there's probably a lot more going on in there? Like a big party?