Look at the Sun?

I've had an attack of the sneezes lately and everyone's saying to look at a bright light--look at the sun!

So I tried it, and doesn't that like burn a retina? Sure, the sneezing stopped, but I can't really see for several seconds afterward. Problematic 'cause then my nose drips and I'm not sure, you know. . .

So who ARE these "Look at the sun!!" people and why do they keep saying this?

Help Jay Leno

You can tell the writers' strike has left some shows void of clear thinking because if you have Comcast cable TV and read the description (Info button) on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno--you know, the bait, the lure, the tease, the grabber to get you to watch--you'll read every night:

"Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The venerable show that became one of TV's sturdiest (and most profitable) institutions."

And that's supposed to draw you in?? Okay, isn't that wrong on about FOUR counts?
1. Venerable? Venerable? Oh yeah "commanding respect because of great age." That's what I've been LOOKing for.
2. One of TV's sturdiest... "Hey, honey, are there any STURDY shows on tonight? And I want the STURDIEST, not some runner-up. It's been a tough day."
3. And most profitable! Oh yeah, I ONLY want to view PROFITable shows tonight -- no money losers. Not wastin' MY time.
4. And finally, they used "institutions." Does that inspire me? I'll see your instiTUTion and raise you 3 up-and-comers.

Meanwhile, Letterman had Jessica Alba, Julie Chen and the Whigs. Hmmm.

Stepping Outside

Sometimes when I think about looking back at the end of life, I feel we'll consider our richest moments to be those where we stepped outside of our issues and tried to make a difference with another.

This music video reminds me of that. It kind of symbolizes that. Like what if life and time WERE really like this? What one thing would you do differently today?

Be the Wit of the Party--Guaranteed.

Okay for fun, try this ONE time this week because sometimes THIS is the most clever--yet random--thing to say in a group.

Here it is: "Yeah, I dated someone like that once."

But it's best used when someone says something totally off-concept, like, "That looks way old or That tastes sweet or I can't find the rhythm. I need an oil change. The fridge is on the blink. I have a rash. My heater broke. The mailman's always late. That's yucky. I had a wreck today."

(And then YOU naturally say) "Yeah, I dated someone like that once."

The phrase works every time. (And if it ever, ever doesn't--unlikely--just look at everyone like it really DID but they just didn't get it.) So be BRAVE, take a risk, have fun, try it just once and then Watch Wit Grow. Yeah, I dated someone like that once.

Fully Protected

When a McAfee message pops up on my computer and keeps saying, "Your computer is not fully protected," it bugs and makes me wanna say, "Hey, maybe YOU'RE not fully protected! Ever think of that? See that window over there? Single pane. Not smart. Not FULLY proTECTING You, if youknowwhatImean, I thinkyaDooo."

Maybe I'm Amazed

Truth be told, every man eventually gets to the point in life when he admits the message in this song.

It's not always easy, but when guys surrender to common sense, it's evident. So WHY does it take so long to get there?

Whiskers

I've never really had whiskers before. But now I have 'em. I'm older than most people I know, so why now? Why whiskers at this age? They're an odd sensation. I mean, I have to shave like EVERY day (almost) and it's kinda buggy. EVERY DAY?? I've been going DECADES without worrying about shaving except maybe twice a week but now...

And like when I blow my nose and wipe with a Kleenex, invariably some tissue stays IN the whiskers. Why isn't this happening to OTHERS? I don't see anyone ELSE walking around with Kleenex particles dangling. Is this something I have to MASTER? Will it take months, years?

I used to do this joke on people at parties where I'd motion to them that they have something on the side of their mouth. And, horrified, they'd quickly brush it away. But nothing was one their face. I'd even have friends watch as I did it to person after person. Same reactions. Then we'd all laugh. I'm not laughing now. People are doing this to me and mostly because I think I have DT (dangling tissue). It's not funny. All those years, I was the Jokester, now I'm the JokestEE.

You know, since I actually STARTED the Fake Food on Face joke, I think I can be the one to stop it. You can stop and start your OWN jokes. That one was mine. Deal?

Auto Me

Sometimes when my computer asks me, "Would you like to AutoArchive your old items now?" I think, "Yes, YES, I WOULD. THANK you for asking!"

If just more things could automatically take care of me that way, shoot.

Measure of a Person

I read this in a friend's office and thought, "This is how I want to be" (but I don't always do a very good job at it).

You can tell the measure of a person by how well they treat someone who can do nothing for them in return.

Not Me

I love the intelligence behind great ads--ones that say what everyone's thinking. Here's one I just saw with this copy over a picture of whale savers on a boat in an icy ocean.

Some people risk their lives in the Antarctic to save the whales. Those people are called not me. whales.greenpeace.org You don't have to join us to join us.

Drop It

I kinda LIKE Pen Droppers. I've worked around a lot of them, and they're rather intelligent. I think it's because they're so focused on creative thought -- on getting answers far beyond the normal earthling -- that they're not so focused on gripping that pen. So...it...just...falls.

And it's kinda fun to watch. It's like they don't even realize they're holding a pen, 'cause it's JUST a pen, right? But it drops and they pick it up and they don't even break stride with whatever they were saying. And it repeats several times in a meeting.

It's actually cool to see. Women are most natural at this. In fact, Women are the ONLY ones I've seen with this talent. But EVERYone should witness one Pen Dropper in motion before they die.

Once a coworker, who is really a brilliant person, was standing in front of our client and account team but was oblivious to the marker (in her hand), which was leaving a trail all over her yellow sweater.

Three of us (including the client) sat in shock as she was lost -- or very creative -- in her presentation and kept marking up her sweater. We, uh, really didn't know what to say 'cause it was kinda too late. And when SHE finally saw it, she was HORRIFIED because, well, it was a new sweater that just said hello to a permanent marker.

But the ideas? Brilliant.

Eat It, Love It, Not Sharin'

Okay, I'm NOT gonna share dessert with other mouths JUST because those, you know, Mouths happen to be sitting around the same dinner table as I. (Bugs.) And I really don't understand why other GROWN men would share either. And I don't get why others pressure me so.

I TOTALLY get why women order dessert, take a forkful, moan some luscious sound and then pass it to others. I get that. But when MEN do that same thing, I think they just fold under the pressure of peers. Truth be told. Fess it.

MenFolk, you don't HAVE to do that. If you want to get a mountain of Chocolate Decadence, you don't HAVE to share with ANYbody. It's okay. Just eat it. What guilt? 'Cause you don't slide YOUR dessert to somebody with a saliva-laden fork? It's okay, buddy. You're okay. You're paying for it. Keep on eatin'.

If you feel guilt, join MY table. We order. Eat. Smile. Stay healthy.

Tooth This

I'm all for technology. In fact, I hang out at the electronics stores just to fuss with the latest. But I don't get the whole Blue Tooth thing with people wearing them in meetings (not on a call) or in the restroom (not on a call) or eating lunch and not on a call. That makes no sense to me. Is it THAT hard to dismantle Tooth from Ear?

One night I was at a nice place for dinner and saw two couples at another table with the macho-looking man was wearing the Tooth -- ALL through dinner. Was it a fashion statement? (Ugly.) Was he expecting a call that couldn't wait? (Macho does not mean important.) Did he forget it was attached to his ear? What was the point? He looked like an IDIOT.

For the love of it all, can't we just agree that, 1. Technology is great; and 2. We're not going to be stupid about it.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

I try to be a good "partner" in my relationship, you know, a good husband, good support. And I THINK I've grown over the years, and the moment I knew I was gaining ground was when my wife called me to stop by the store to get things before I came home. Hey, trust. Yeah, a good thing.

"Sure, honey. Milk? Two loaves of bread? Anything else? I'll get it and be right home."

Life was grand. I was in the good seat, the sweetie pie, the honey bun. I was there for ya/her (key concept). And all that went well call after call, year after year until that One Day when that One Call came.

"You want what? Say again? T-T-Tampons?? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Let me pull over. Gotta write this down. OK, now WHAT? Are you sure? Which ones are they? What's it say on the box? What's it say EXACTLY on the front? What color? Why do I ask? Because I can't LINGER. Honey, I'm a GUY. Yeah, everybody will be LOOKING. Even the store cameras! Hey, do we need it right now? Can't we get it, you know, LATEr? OK, you want me to WALK down THAT aisle -- Yes, I LOVE you (paid the mortgage, didn't I?). Well, what ELSE can I buy with it? ANYthing. Not a candy bar. Something, you know, legit! No, I'm not raising my voi--"

28 years of marriage and still . . . n-n-not easy.

Work With Me, Would Ya?

What IS it with people at movie theaters who have to TALK through the show? And HOW do they always find the seat just behind me?

I just came from a show and BOTH the man and the woman were talking, trying to outguess the next line on the screen. Not just once but ALL through the show.

Hey, Bubs, that's why we came to a "TALKIE," you know, 'cause THAT way we can listen to what those actors are saying on the screen. 'K? That all right with YOU? I mean, it's not like we're in your living room, 'k?

And the CELL phones. Shut them off. AND NEVER, NEVER answer them and carry on a conversation IN the theater.

Let's just say, I'll be polite to you and you raise your game a little, too. That gonna be okay goojie woojie baby suckie idiot lettie outtie of the homie?

Make a Difference

I like the thought of making a difference. And I realized making a difference doesn't have to be grand, but perhaps this year we resolve to do something to make a difference. Perhaps this Nickelback video will inspire.