Campus Stalker?

Is it just me or does this women look less like she's glad to be at college and more like someone's chasing her across campus?

Cat Sit?

My family is trying to teach our cat to sit. I'm trying to teach our cat to run--run like the wind. (It's a big world. Explore.)

That Tone

Next time somebody says ANYthing to you, respond with, "Okay, THAT Tone. . ."

Walk the Talk

What if an active walker wished to be healthy until his dying day and then a car hit him in a crosswalk and he died?

Guess he got his wish.

Bugs

I submit that from here on out, bugs have identifiers, so we'll know where they came from and where the rest are hiding -- so we can just get it over with.

Showers

So let's just say if you're wondering out loud if you should take a shower or not, take it.

And if it's been awhile, shower with soap. Your choice of fragrance. Just shower, k? (And while you lather, bask in the joy that you're not at a campout anymore.)

If I Ever

If I ever start treating a pet like a person, you know, like on a daily basis, slap me.

Distance From Dumb

I've always tried to keep my distance from knowing ANYthing about Dumb & Dumber, but more friends keep haunting me with it.

Seared in Memory

On the new Seinfeld/Bill Gates TV ad, I'm just not sure I wanna see two old guys' butts with one of them doing a little wiggle.

It's now seared in my brain and I don't think that's fair.

Neck Poppin'

So you know when you pop your neck by pulling your ear to your shoulder?

Lately, mine only pops when I'm going to the right, and I'm thinkin' something's starting to fall apart.

What do you pop and who gets annoyed?

Falling in Love

Generally, which do you think falls in love quicker: Women or Men?

Why?

Sharing a Bathroom

The dangers of sharing a bathroom are like today when I was brushing my teeth, and amid all the foam, I was either feeling the edge of a large bubble or a hair.

Drums

I know when I die, my wife's gonna get rid of my drum set. I totally know that.

Gotta stay alive.

Eyes

While this shouldn't be, I'm constantly amazed that when I close my eyelids, how dark it gets.

Japanese Cheese

So I was in Liverpool this week for a Paul McCartney thing with my old college buddy and he bumps into some Japanese visitors at a gift shop and introduces them to me. Because I speak the language, all of sudden, these guys think I’m their best friend. And they’re very polite and accommodating (how could you not like friendly Japanese people?). But they want to tag along with us, and we didn’t really want that obligation, so we part ways for the day. Later that night, we see them in another part of Liverpool by the Cavern, where the Beatles played 292 times. And our Japanese friends think it must be fate that we meet again, so they want to get pictures with us (like we’re some stars but we’re, you know, NOT).

I’m really not very interested in taking pictures with them because 1. I just met them a few hours earlier, and 2. (and this is the important part) I’m NEVER gonna see them again. Still, we oblige (to soothe international relations) BUT when I stand with the first Japanese guy and I put my elbow on his shoulder like we’re best buds, he puts his arm around me, but because of the height difference (6 foot 5 to his whatever), his hand goes right on my butt, my tush, my right cheek! YIKES. And he leaves it there as he smiles big for the camera (again, like we’re lifelong friends). AWKWARD.

What do you DO in times like that? Slouch? Roll out aWAY from the hand? Fake a coughing fit? I was blank AND shocked. But I made it through (scarred but breathing). Just then, the second Japanese friend comes out of the store and wants a picture with me, so now I’m standing between these two “best friends I ever had from Japan” and the first guy does it again – same cheek! My picture taking brother is laughing so hard, he can’t keep the camera still, which ONLY prolongs the ordeal. Take it. Take it. TAKE IT.

If you know how to break out of those situations, please, do tell. I have a gift from Liverpool for the best answer. (No, not the Japanese man unless, you know.)

Poster Power

In one of my regular restaurant dives in Times Square, they serve steak and as I was eating there recently, I noticed this HUGE poster titled “CHOKING.” And it had a person doing a serious Heimlich on the apparent choking person, and next to the chokee was a giant skeleton of a (dead) fish (they don’t even serve fish).

And this was hung so all the customers could see it, which really added to the ambiance. It was even framed. (Shouldn’t this be in the back room somewhere?) Is choking THAT big of a problem in this restaurant?

As I kept eating, I was drawn to the poster and started feeling strange things in my throat (no joke), and then I started coughing. But I kept breathing, but THEN I started hiccuping (never really written that word before). Then I knew I was in trouble because hiccups don’t go away easily, but I kept breathing and chewing and working my way through the steak and potato and drink and then got myself out of there.

In a way, you could say I choked that night. Either way, that was a close one. You ever choked?

In Trouble

I believe in the afterlife and I KNOW at that point, I'm gonna catch heck for the way I've treated the cat that's been hanging around our home for 16 years. (I KNOW!) And I'm a little scared about facing him because I'm SURE he'll be able to talk by then, just like cats in Dr. Doolittle, and we'll be more on equal ground and he'll still have claws.

The other night, I think I had a nightmare about it (can't remember all of it...was asleep) but I recall a conversation that went:
Cat: Why were you always mean to me?
Me: Why did you always keep bonking into my leg?
Cat: It's just what I do.
Me: But I TOLD you for 16 years to stop DOing that, especially at the dinner table.
Cat: And you were always trying to get rid of me. What's your prob? Do tell.
Me: I was trying to set you free.
Cat: It was always snowing like 3 feet deep.
Me: I thought you liked the winter wonderland feel.
Cat: What I LIKED was not to freeze my, well, whiskers off.
Me: Why didn't you just SAY so?
Cat: I'm a cat, okay?
Me: That's my point. I would TELL you things and you would ignore them.
Cat: I heard you. Just didn't think they made much sense.
Me: Which was WHY I was trying to set you free.

I don't think I won that one, but at least I have 7 things to say to him, if he keeps to the script, which, you know, fat chance.

Thank You, Facebook

So my 19-year-old daughter's receptionist job is such that she sees a lot of people. And I just learned that this guy from another company on the same floor would often wave to her, then got brave and introduced himself, then gave his business card (still waving each time) and invited her to email or something.

So she found him on Facebook and learned he was 38. Then she saw he was married. Then she confronted him on being married. Then he -- (well, when she was telling me this, I interrupted and said, "I'll tell you what he said. I bet he perSUASIVELY tried to say, 'There's nothing wrong. We can still be friends,' blah, blah, so he can get closer to you because OBVIOUSLY that's the direction he's been moving in") -- (back to the story, he) said, "There's nothing wrong. You're not going to let THAT stop us from being friends, are you??"

Then I told her how creepy that was. And she admitted she felt weird about it, too. So I said, "When things feel creepy, you should Follow Your Gut, (and then I thought and SAID) Not His Butt." Whoa. I said it. Just like that!

Thoughts? (I mean, not about the Instant Rhyme, but the directness.)

Tonight's Call

The phone rang tonight and, no joke, the caller ID said, "Christ Cell" and I thought, "Whoa. Jesus? Jesus got a cell? I know prayer IS like a phone call but I didn't know He had MY number."

Cool. . . and scary all in one call.

Drive Thru's Scare

Drive-thrus scare me. They honestly make my heart race. First, I can't even come to a stop before they greet with, "Welcome! May I take your order??" Yeah, I KNOW they're trying to be prompt, but some of us need a moment and I think they should know their customers.

Next, the menu boards intimidate. To me, it's like one of those Chinese menus with 372 ways to mix rice and chicken. I get lost--instantly. I can't find the burger or the taco or the drinks or the shakes and the more I look, the more lost I am. All I see is a BLUR of options like all OVer the place. All the while, I KNOW everyone behind me already knows what THEY want and I feel like they're bumping my bumper to get through.

I sometimes cheat by rolling down my window early--even when it's freezing--and listening in on the order ahead of me. At Wendy's, I can hear three orders ahead because of the wrap-around. But it's good because it gives me ideas and options, which is what I need when I'm at the drive-thru.

Another annoyance is going through lines where you have to decide EVERY little thing about your order--lettuce? cheese? which kind? bread? toasted? pickles? sweet or dill?

Hey, Hey, Hey, can't you just GIVE me whatever your RESEARCH people team group back there in that little room showed worked with most folks? Just whatever the best thing that goes with the meatball sandwich--THAT's what I want. I don't know. Mayo? Mustard? Provolone? I'm a guy. Just put whatever MOST people put on it and QuitLookinAtMeThatWay. In reality, you WANNA be on my good side. I have MONEY you want.