Sugar, Sugar

Sometimes when people are hyper, I like to say, "Hey, dial it back with the sugar intake," but I don't think I need to say "intake" 'cause that's implied, right? I mean, it's not like we're PAINTING with sugar.

How They Treat Someone

A friend said today when he worked in LA, he would sometimes actually sever business relations based on how some business associates would mistreat waiters/waitresses, knowing those actions often showed more of a person’s character (in an unguarded situation) than most suspect. He concluded if they so easily abused someone like that, they could naturally turn on him.

What do you think?

Country

I just got back from a concert and I'm constantly amazed at how many girls, who seem normal, like Country music.

America, Land of Freedom and Ice

Why does Europe have an aversion to ice in sodas? Is it a health thing? A scarcity thing? Something environmental? Elitist?

When I asked for ice in a diet soda on a British train after 6 days away from the Mother Land and was told, "Oh, it's cold enough," I laughed. Just GIVE me the ICE.

Even the Marriott Hotel ice machine felt like I was draining it of a year's supply when my ice bucket was only a third full. 

Tell me, what IS it with them and ice?

Easier

When people say, "Easier said than done," uh, isn't EVERYthing easier said than done?

Who Knew?

Note to self: Nasal spray is not eye drop solution and can burn, even in the dark, even at 3:42 a.m., even when birds need to move two blocks south to chirp.

Good Fortune?

Why do we inSIST on the freshest food at restaurants but GLADLY munch down stale fortune cookies at Chinese restaurants?

Are we that...whatever you call it when we cram stale stuff in our mouths kinda people?

Shake It

The Today Show's Matt Lauer talks about not liking to shake hands with others because of germs.

And then others talk about being germaphobes and not liking to touch door knobs or walk barefoot on floors and stuff.

I know we have to be smart about things, but isn't that why we have SKIN? I mean, otherwise, you know. . .

Freshen

Wouldn't you agree it's time to retire the word "lanyard" (why torture ourselves?) and freshen it up with something like lanni or lannie or lanny?

Lanyard? Barnyard.
Lanni. Hey Danny. Uncanny. Whoa Granny. Who's your nanny? Pakistani? Nice tan E.

After the Name, It's Downhill

Somtimes I've learned the best part of Mahi Mahi . . . is the name.

Trippin'

In school, I couldn't stop laughing when I saw someone trip and fall.

But I guess I wasn't thinking about the pain to their kneecap.

Hometown

Everybody probably likes their hometown (one reason they live there) until they get a speeding ticket from a cop (who also lives there and is supposed to be a friend to a fellow same-town-liver-person).

Then it's a pretty sucky place to be.

Just Asking . . .

Can we just eliminate the word "towards" altogether?

I mean, is there ANY place where "toward" wouldn't work just as well? 'Cept, maybe on a farm?

Work With Me

So when I say, "Just a minute" and the other person says, "Minute's UP!" I think, "Hey, I'm the one who says when the minute starts."

Don't you agree?

Japanese Cheese

So I was in Liverpool this week for a Paul McCartney thing with my old college buddy and he bumps into some Japanese visitors at a gift shop and introduces them to me. Because I speak the language, all of sudden, these guys think I’m their best friend. And they’re very polite and accommodating (how could you not like friendly Japanese people?). But they want to tag along with us, and we didn’t really want that obligation, so we part ways for the day. Later that night, we see them in another part of Liverpool by the Cavern, where the Beatles played 292 times. And our Japanese friends think it must be fate that we meet again, so they want to get pictures with us (like we’re some stars but we’re, you know, NOT).

I’m really not very interested in taking pictures with them because 1. I just met them a few hours earlier, and 2. (and this is the important part) I’m NEVER gonna see them again. Still, we oblige (to soothe international relations) BUT when I stand with the first Japanese guy and I put my elbow on his shoulder like we’re best buds, he puts his arm around me, but because of the height difference (6 foot 5 to his whatever), his hand goes right on my butt, my tush, my right cheek! YIKES. And he leaves it there as he smiles big for the camera (again, like we’re lifelong friends). AWKWARD.

What do you DO in times like that? Slouch? Roll out aWAY from the hand? Fake a coughing fit? I was blank AND shocked. But I made it through (scarred but breathing). Just then, the second Japanese friend comes out of the store and wants a picture with me, so now I’m standing between these two “best friends I ever had from Japan” and the first guy does it again – same cheek! My picture taking brother is laughing so hard, he can’t keep the camera still, which ONLY prolongs the ordeal. Take it. Take it. TAKE IT.

If you know how to break out of those situations, please, do tell. I have a gift from Liverpool for the best answer. (No, not the Japanese man unless, you know.)

Mouth to Ear Connection

I'm thinking that if MOST people eat on their right side, are those the SAME people who put the phone up to their left ear? (See polls.)

And for those who chew all OVER their mouth, does that require more time flossing, because it's, you know, not contained, the food?

British Cows...Rhythmic

True story: I'm riding this train from London to Liverpool today so I'm listening to Beatles music on my iPod (to get, you know, in the Beatles groove) and at the 1 min. 39 sec. mark on the song, "Girl," I look out the window and see a herd of cows and one of them is shaking his tail to the EXACT beat as the song, and I'm thinking, EVEN the COWS over here are like in sync. Unreal.

Sting

My friend, Shawn, asked me a few weeks back if I was a fan of Sting, and I said, "Not a huge fan," but I want to take that back. For the record. Just in case.

American Idol Lives

So today as I'm walking into a building on Sunset in Hollywood with one of my clients, two guys walk out of the elevator toward us, and I looked at one and thought, "He looks familiar--hey, that's David Cook," the new American Idol. So I reached out and shook hands and said, "Congratulations, David. We're really proud of you! Great job." And he said, "Thanks."

And then my client greeted him, and I asked him how much sleep he's gotten (because he just won American Idol less than 24 hours earlier). He said, "About 3 hours." So we talked for a bit in that small lobby while his guard/escort was talking with building security.

And I thought how cool it was that we just happened to enter that lobby at the exact time he stepped off the elevator. (Any time in the previous hours or days, we wouldn't have been able to get close to him, with thousands of fans at the Nokia Theater just the night before, and Paula, Randy and Simon and the myriad of TV cameras and parties and interviews and all.) And the two of us were just standing there talking to a tired David Cook, who was very polite and quite humbled by everything. In fact, along with the fatigue, he seemed like he was still in shock with all of the attention.

We wished him well as we said goodbye, with us forming words out of our mouths and him hearing those words and then responding with words of his own out of his mouth and then those words being heard by us from him to us both in the same language right there with words and handshakes and smiles going around like they do in those buildings in Hollywood. Kinda cool.

Met any celebrities lately? Do share.
PS - Seeing Yoko in New York doesn't count.

Carney's Hollywood Diner - Stay

So I'm at Carney's, a cool Hollywood diner, for lunch, and I order a hot dog with tons of sauerkraut ('cause, you know, why not?), and I feel like a total outsider because, well, it's my first time and others are waiting to order, and the man says, "Stay or to go?"
I say, "Stay."
He says, "Stay?"
"Stay!" thinking I needed to SHOUT it out and he starts to write "STAY" then stops, looks at me and says, "What's your NAME??" (With a tone like, "IDIOT, your name is STAY?? I SAID, what's your NAME?")

Man, I gotta turn that iPod down 'cause it's starting to affect me at lun--what?

Cool Trick

So I just learned that if you microwave ice cream for 25 seconds first, it's WORLDS easier to scoop out than bearing down on frozen ice cream with the scooper.

I've also learned 55 seconds is, uh, too long.

What cool tricks do YOU know?

A Million

In a recent chat, a friend said, "I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years."

Um, YEAH you would. A million years! That's like a M-I-L-L-I-O-N years. Do you REALIZE how many things you would guess in a million years?

Crazy Words

I don't really get when people say stuff like "physicality." Can't they just say "physical" and it's the same thing?

Or "functionality," which geeks use ALL the time. Show me a place where the word "function" won't work as well as "functionality."

The point is 1. Some people just like to SOUND, you know, bigger; and 2. I don't think most people have that much spare TIME to hear all those extra syllables. Right?

5 Secrets of the Drive

Driving the freeway daily has taught me a few things on how to get there sooner. 1. I turn on my lights (no flashing, just on). 2. I get in the fast lane. 3. I sit up straight. 4. I wear sunglasses. 5. I listen to good music loudly, you know, to get in the mood.

Doing those 5 things today was magic. SEVEN cars moved over so I could drive past. Of course, one car (BMW) pulled in front of me (scroll up & click on Things That Bug, read the BeemerTude entry and you’ll see how predictable that was). But getting 7 cars to move over is cool.

What are your freeway secrets?

Some Things Look Dumb

You know when people are in awe of someone else and they bow and fan them with both hands stretched out? (Like the “I’m Not Wooooorthy” act.

It looks stupid.

No matter how many times I’ve seen people do it or how famous or how cute they are, it looks dumb. Don’t you think? (PS – I think those who do it know it, too. Else why would they look around with that cheesy smile?)

Very French

Isn't the word, "froufrou" (you know, like frufru)?

'Cause I keep hearing people say fufu and fifi and mumu and mimi, and I'm thinking, if we're gonna try to be French, shouldn't we at least agree which French word it is? That way, we can all be froufrou together and sound cool--at least for a moment. What say?

Poster Power

In one of my regular restaurant dives in Times Square, they serve steak and as I was eating there recently, I noticed this HUGE poster titled “CHOKING.” And it had a person doing a serious Heimlich on the apparent choking person, and next to the chokee was a giant skeleton of a (dead) fish (they don’t even serve fish).

And this was hung so all the customers could see it, which really added to the ambiance. It was even framed. (Shouldn’t this be in the back room somewhere?) Is choking THAT big of a problem in this restaurant?

As I kept eating, I was drawn to the poster and started feeling strange things in my throat (no joke), and then I started coughing. But I kept breathing, but THEN I started hiccuping (never really written that word before). Then I knew I was in trouble because hiccups don’t go away easily, but I kept breathing and chewing and working my way through the steak and potato and drink and then got myself out of there.

In a way, you could say I choked that night. Either way, that was a close one. You ever choked?

Stop at 4

So yesterday, I'm waiting for the train and strike up a conversation with someone who seems like he's a weathered 63-year-old with long curly hair (I like long hair, having lived through the 70s). And in no time, he's saying he has a good life because of 5 things:
1. I'm still breathing, he said as he tapped his chest (I'm thinking, "Uh, yeah, good thing.");
2. Have a roof over my head;
3. I've never been hungry. (Good to know);
4. I know who I am. (Never a bad thing, especially if you win some money and have to identify yourself); and, as he raised his hand, he concluded,
5. I can still wipe my butt.

WHOA. Hey, Buddy! Too Much Info!

Couldn't we have just STOPPED at #4?? I could've gone ALL week not hearing that. (But NOW the visual is forEVER seared in my brain. Dang!)

I smiled in disbelief, nodded, turned and left, you know, without shaking hands.

Birds I've Heard

I like birds. I think they offer a nice dimension, flying around like they do. But WHY do they have to start chirping at 4:30 in the MORNING? I've been awakened by them as early as 3:37. Why, I ask?

I know the young ones want breakfast, but can't Mom & Dad just get the worms or bugs or granola bars or whatever and lay them on the branch the night before?

And once they've swallowed, can't they just smile and say, "Thank You." Or just whisper to each other through the whole ordeal? I mean, aren't they all in the SAME tree anyway?

I'm not asking for much. I just want my sleep.

Cell Off

Yesterday I accidentally left my cell home but didn't realize it for hours. When I found out, I panicked. Then I felt a freedom because that meant no phone. No emails. No texts.

I hoped I hadn't missed something urgent, but I instantly felt freedom from the cell attachment I have had nearly every minute of every day. Honestly, I hadn't felt that kind of freedom for years (like the first time you can drive without anybody else. Is that America at its best?).

How long could you go without your cell? Honestly?

Exploring Another Mystery

So it’s taken me a while to realize this, but when women wear hats, it seems like it’s more because they don’t want to wash/mess with their hair than it is a style thing.

I mean, THANKfully, hats are stylish, too. But I think I’m realizing it’s more a matter of Hair Hassle than style. Not saying it’s a bad thing, just, you know…

So what do you think? Style-driven? Hair Hassle? Wash hassle? Shampoo low? Love the grit? Back to nature? Combo?

And what other tricks do they have?

One Secret for Success

In the business world, I think it's always important to know where your trash can is, you know, without looking.

Staying Happy

Zig Ziglar said something like, 90% of divorces would be eliminated if we delivered in the marriage what we sold in the courtship.

I believe him. What do you think?

Bald-Headed Woman Playing Bolley Ball?

So I have this friend who told me she (or he, I'm not supposed to tell) up until two years ago, thought the word was "Bolley Ball" instead of Volleyball. She's 23. What?

Hey, ready to go to the bolley ball game? Let's all watch them play bolley ball!!

I have another friend who thought the Bee Gees were singing "Bald-headed Woman. Bald-headed woman to me-e-e" instead of "More than a woman."

Another friend thought Carly Simon was singing, "I had some dreams. They were grounds in my coffee, grounds in my coffee and You're So Vain." (1 min. 22 sec. mark)

People. We can do better. (You got any stories?)

It's Not a Plate

Can we just agree right now that the word is template, as in tem-plet and not tem-playt?

Once we’re all on board, can we agree to help those people who can’t seem to get it right because those same people know a LOT of words in their presentations, but when it comes to them saying TEM-PLAYT, I just erase everything they said ‘cause they’re messin’ with my mind and I’m not gonna take it anymore.

See my friend http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/template for more.

In Trouble

I believe in the afterlife and I KNOW at that point, I'm gonna catch heck for the way I've treated the cat that's been hanging around our home for 16 years. (I KNOW!) And I'm a little scared about facing him because I'm SURE he'll be able to talk by then, just like cats in Dr. Doolittle, and we'll be more on equal ground and he'll still have claws.

The other night, I think I had a nightmare about it (can't remember all of it...was asleep) but I recall a conversation that went:
Cat: Why were you always mean to me?
Me: Why did you always keep bonking into my leg?
Cat: It's just what I do.
Me: But I TOLD you for 16 years to stop DOing that, especially at the dinner table.
Cat: And you were always trying to get rid of me. What's your prob? Do tell.
Me: I was trying to set you free.
Cat: It was always snowing like 3 feet deep.
Me: I thought you liked the winter wonderland feel.
Cat: What I LIKED was not to freeze my, well, whiskers off.
Me: Why didn't you just SAY so?
Cat: I'm a cat, okay?
Me: That's my point. I would TELL you things and you would ignore them.
Cat: I heard you. Just didn't think they made much sense.
Me: Which was WHY I was trying to set you free.

I don't think I won that one, but at least I have 7 things to say to him, if he keeps to the script, which, you know, fat chance.

Spending Money

I just read a news story that said a study finds, "Those who spend cash on others feel cheerier than those who simply spend money on themselves." Yeah, whatever.

I Froze

Someone asked today if I was a Ginger fan or a Mary Anne, and I froze. I didn't know what to say. I dashed back to the time when I was 11 or something and then blurted, "GINGER!"
But then he said, "Oh, I was a Mary Anne fan."

I felt shallow. What DO you say in times like that??

Family Cat

So I’ve been living with the (family) cat for about 16 years, and I’ve only agreed to do it to show support to my family. But I don’t like it.

Why? I’m allergic to that cat. ALLERGIC. And my family keeps saying over and over it’s ALL in my head.

Yeah, I know. I know it’s in my head—until I sneeze it out. That’s my point.

Thank You, Facebook

So my 19-year-old daughter's receptionist job is such that she sees a lot of people. And I just learned that this guy from another company on the same floor would often wave to her, then got brave and introduced himself, then gave his business card (still waving each time) and invited her to email or something.

So she found him on Facebook and learned he was 38. Then she saw he was married. Then she confronted him on being married. Then he -- (well, when she was telling me this, I interrupted and said, "I'll tell you what he said. I bet he perSUASIVELY tried to say, 'There's nothing wrong. We can still be friends,' blah, blah, so he can get closer to you because OBVIOUSLY that's the direction he's been moving in") -- (back to the story, he) said, "There's nothing wrong. You're not going to let THAT stop us from being friends, are you??"

Then I told her how creepy that was. And she admitted she felt weird about it, too. So I said, "When things feel creepy, you should Follow Your Gut, (and then I thought and SAID) Not His Butt." Whoa. I said it. Just like that!

Thoughts? (I mean, not about the Instant Rhyme, but the directness.)