Think About Your Troubles

One of my favorites growing up was this song. Provides a new perspective. Thanks, Harry Nilsson. (What's your favorite part? Mine is "Not too good for drinkin'...")

Trouble

So IF earlier today I said, "I didn't start taking aspirins until I was married," WHY should that get me in trouble?

It's JUST a statement of timing and actions. Nothing more, nothing less. Do you not believe?

Poll on Blondes, etc.

Two things about the current poll on blondes, brunettes, etc. 1. The Fake Blondes term is not meant to slam; it was just a category name that came up most on Google. Well, maybe Yahoo. 2. I think the conclusion of this poll might cause us to think in a different way. It's a thought I'll share at the end of the poll.

Hope you vote.

Birds

In all of God's Green Earth, WHY do birds have to dump on MY car?

Do they not SEE how much land there is out there for them to do that? Do they not see all the OTHER cars? I did NOTHING to them, and, frankly, I'm getting a little sick of it all.

Dad's Wisdom

Dad used to say, "Read all the books you can because you won't live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself."

I like Dad. But, man, he could be demanding with all that reading books thing.

What words of wisdom from your Dad or Mom (or grandparent or cousin) stand out?

Column A, Column B

So here's my theory. In most conversations, you can identify if a person is in Column A (which means Yes) or Column B (No).

For example, if the guy asks, "Would you like to go to dinner this weekend?" and she says, "Oh, this weekend? Um, this is a busy weekend for me" then you could safely assume she's giving a Column B answer but she doesn't want to come out directly with a No because that would be too rude. But if she says, "That sounds fun" then, obviously, it's a Column A answer.

I think people talk this way because it's sometimes hard to come right out and say "Yes" or "No, thank you." Sometimes it feels too direct or hurtful, so people say other things around that, but what they're saying still lines up with their core feelings about wanting to do something or not.

Ever since I've started listening for which column responses land in, it has been FASCINATING to hear what people are really saying. In fact, it's made a huge difference in understanding others' real intents. Sometimes I get it wrong, but this approach greatly minimizes the misreads. And it helps me respect another's position more readily instead of trying and trying and trying to persuade them to my point of view. Honestly, it comes down to an understanding and respect thing.

Column A or Column B. Let me know if it works for you.

Head Discovery

So I'm in this meeting where five of us are interviewing this guy for a job, and things are going well, and the guy's bald and very likable, but apparently we're asking tough questions because the guy starts to sweat.

And I noticed the sweat was coming from his bald head where, you know, the baldness is, but nothing was sweating from the typical sweat places around the forehead. It was just all up there.

And then more and more beads were forming like a Chia pet, and while I felt sorry for the guy, I couldn't stop staring. And I kinda forgot the questions I needed to ask. Then I thought he was going to see me, but my eyes were glued and more beads popped up and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. And I thought this is SO COOL 'cause I've never noticed that before.

Then I wondered if that's where HS (head sweat) really forms for all of us but most don't see it 'cause, you know, it's hidden.

Anyway, it was fascinating. And we didn't make the guy an offer. But the sweat was cool. You ever had something like that?

About the Passion

So isn't Valentine's Day all about the Passion?

And passion is kinda like Burning (in a good way). And burning is like a Fire (in another good way--hey, two good ways).

And if there IS a fire, then SOMEone has to instigate it.

And that leads to THIS song--a song you've heard and sung AND danced to (we have cameras) BUT have probably never seen like THIS.

Live the passion. Happy V-day.

(PS - I didn't say we USED the cameras, just that we had them.)

When to Apply

Okay, I was in a conversation with two friends AND I asked an innocent question, but THEY had such differing views from what I thought they would say. Hence, the deodorant poll to your right.

Let me know your thoughts/habits/pattern (hope it's a daily pattern) and I'll tell you more about our conversation after the poll closes.

Candor on the Stop

Can we be really, really candid for a moment?

I kinda ignore stop signs in parking lots, like at the mall and Target and such. Yeah, I see 'em. And I slow down, but, really. STOP? C'mon. What's the point. Is that guy with the yellow/orange (annoying) security flashers gonna chase me?

Instead of a Stop SIGN, isn't more like a Stop SuGGESTION?

Do you stop?

Flossing Victory

I just want the LADIES who ridiculed me -- humiliated me to the ground (not really but it sounds energetic) -- for flossing beFORE I brush to know that after this SCIENTIFIC survey, 4 out of 5 dentists (not polled but they're in EVERY poll) AND the majority of those surveyed here floss BEFORE brushing.

37%!! Isn't that like a MAJORITY? Okay, well close.

But that aside, we must unite and admit that all of us who DO floss ARE concerned about our blogging friends (25%) who don't even touch the floss wax.

Friends, Romans, please, consider the possibilities. We know it's rough at first because the floss string cuts like a knife inflicting unTHINKable pain, but we'll be there for ya. Promise. Unless you don't ever, ever, ever, you know, FLOSS, in which case, we'll be singing THIS song. (Just jump to the 3:00 minute mark.) Yeah, I know it's not pretty, but that's kinda the point.

Groundhog's Day

And is it Groundhog's Day or Groundhog Day? 'Cause I think the movie ruined it and changed what all of us had been saying all those years, and I don't we should let Hollywood DO that to us.

Groundhog or Groundhog's Day? Which?

For Men's Eyes Only

It's February and we all know what THAT means--a cruel reminder that no matter WHAT we do, there's NO WAY we can really succeed in gift giving on Valentine's Day. Believe me, I've tried. And the women are gracious about it, but deep down, we know we've failed. . . a LOT.

PLUS, the thing is we all know that we'll crash again this year, but inVARIABLY the women in our lives will protest that point.

Don't you agree, though, that IF you give chocolates, they'll think, "Thanks! (but that's fattening and he should KNOW I'm trying to lose" and if you give a Sweeeet Card, it's, "Aaah, this is so wonderful. Thank you! (is THIS IT? That's ALL he's giving this year? What about the CHOColate??)."

And flowers? Typical. Same ol'. (Plus, I always feel instantly stupid when I'm in a flower shop. I admit, I don't know what I'm doing but ALL the women behind the counter DO and I KNOW they giggle when I'm gone.)

The torment goes on and on, so WHY do we HAVE this Annual Beating? It's V-deMoralizing!

And what do they say back to us (and it's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that I don't belieeeeve it): "Anything you do will be fine. A poem. A card. Just the thought."

But, see, all the while, they're on AutoScope for what other women are getting, and, frankly, it's ALWAYS better than what they got.

So, I'm kinda in to giving up. But only after I get the flowers, chocolate, card, dinner, jewelry, time devoted to doing anything around the home she wants me to AND a poem. Let me know how YOU fare this year.

PS - How many women read this?? (Did YOU not READ the headline? YOU don't have MEN's eyes; yours are Gorgeous! This is kinda sensitive private stuff.) OK, as long as you've read this far, then we HAVE to hear YOUR side of it, 'cause, frankly, we're failing over here. Throw a lifeline. Something.

Look at the Sun?

I've had an attack of the sneezes lately and everyone's saying to look at a bright light--look at the sun!

So I tried it, and doesn't that like burn a retina? Sure, the sneezing stopped, but I can't really see for several seconds afterward. Problematic 'cause then my nose drips and I'm not sure, you know. . .

So who ARE these "Look at the sun!!" people and why do they keep saying this?

Help Jay Leno

You can tell the writers' strike has left some shows void of clear thinking because if you have Comcast cable TV and read the description (Info button) on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno--you know, the bait, the lure, the tease, the grabber to get you to watch--you'll read every night:

"Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The venerable show that became one of TV's sturdiest (and most profitable) institutions."

And that's supposed to draw you in?? Okay, isn't that wrong on about FOUR counts?
1. Venerable? Venerable? Oh yeah "commanding respect because of great age." That's what I've been LOOKing for.
2. One of TV's sturdiest... "Hey, honey, are there any STURDY shows on tonight? And I want the STURDIEST, not some runner-up. It's been a tough day."
3. And most profitable! Oh yeah, I ONLY want to view PROFITable shows tonight -- no money losers. Not wastin' MY time.
4. And finally, they used "institutions." Does that inspire me? I'll see your instiTUTion and raise you 3 up-and-comers.

Meanwhile, Letterman had Jessica Alba, Julie Chen and the Whigs. Hmmm.

Stepping Outside

Sometimes when I think about looking back at the end of life, I feel we'll consider our richest moments to be those where we stepped outside of our issues and tried to make a difference with another.

This music video reminds me of that. It kind of symbolizes that. Like what if life and time WERE really like this? What one thing would you do differently today?

Be the Wit of the Party--Guaranteed.

Okay for fun, try this ONE time this week because sometimes THIS is the most clever--yet random--thing to say in a group.

Here it is: "Yeah, I dated someone like that once."

But it's best used when someone says something totally off-concept, like, "That looks way old or That tastes sweet or I can't find the rhythm. I need an oil change. The fridge is on the blink. I have a rash. My heater broke. The mailman's always late. That's yucky. I had a wreck today."

(And then YOU naturally say) "Yeah, I dated someone like that once."

The phrase works every time. (And if it ever, ever doesn't--unlikely--just look at everyone like it really DID but they just didn't get it.) So be BRAVE, take a risk, have fun, try it just once and then Watch Wit Grow. Yeah, I dated someone like that once.

Fully Protected

When a McAfee message pops up on my computer and keeps saying, "Your computer is not fully protected," it bugs and makes me wanna say, "Hey, maybe YOU'RE not fully protected! Ever think of that? See that window over there? Single pane. Not smart. Not FULLY proTECTING You, if youknowwhatImean, I thinkyaDooo."

Maybe I'm Amazed

Truth be told, every man eventually gets to the point in life when he admits the message in this song.

It's not always easy, but when guys surrender to common sense, it's evident. So WHY does it take so long to get there?

Whiskers

I've never really had whiskers before. But now I have 'em. I'm older than most people I know, so why now? Why whiskers at this age? They're an odd sensation. I mean, I have to shave like EVERY day (almost) and it's kinda buggy. EVERY DAY?? I've been going DECADES without worrying about shaving except maybe twice a week but now...

And like when I blow my nose and wipe with a Kleenex, invariably some tissue stays IN the whiskers. Why isn't this happening to OTHERS? I don't see anyone ELSE walking around with Kleenex particles dangling. Is this something I have to MASTER? Will it take months, years?

I used to do this joke on people at parties where I'd motion to them that they have something on the side of their mouth. And, horrified, they'd quickly brush it away. But nothing was one their face. I'd even have friends watch as I did it to person after person. Same reactions. Then we'd all laugh. I'm not laughing now. People are doing this to me and mostly because I think I have DT (dangling tissue). It's not funny. All those years, I was the Jokester, now I'm the JokestEE.

You know, since I actually STARTED the Fake Food on Face joke, I think I can be the one to stop it. You can stop and start your OWN jokes. That one was mine. Deal?

Auto Me

Sometimes when my computer asks me, "Would you like to AutoArchive your old items now?" I think, "Yes, YES, I WOULD. THANK you for asking!"

If just more things could automatically take care of me that way, shoot.

Measure of a Person

I read this in a friend's office and thought, "This is how I want to be" (but I don't always do a very good job at it).

You can tell the measure of a person by how well they treat someone who can do nothing for them in return.

Not Me

I love the intelligence behind great ads--ones that say what everyone's thinking. Here's one I just saw with this copy over a picture of whale savers on a boat in an icy ocean.

Some people risk their lives in the Antarctic to save the whales. Those people are called not me. whales.greenpeace.org You don't have to join us to join us.

Drop It

I kinda LIKE Pen Droppers. I've worked around a lot of them, and they're rather intelligent. I think it's because they're so focused on creative thought -- on getting answers far beyond the normal earthling -- that they're not so focused on gripping that pen. So...it...just...falls.

And it's kinda fun to watch. It's like they don't even realize they're holding a pen, 'cause it's JUST a pen, right? But it drops and they pick it up and they don't even break stride with whatever they were saying. And it repeats several times in a meeting.

It's actually cool to see. Women are most natural at this. In fact, Women are the ONLY ones I've seen with this talent. But EVERYone should witness one Pen Dropper in motion before they die.

Once a coworker, who is really a brilliant person, was standing in front of our client and account team but was oblivious to the marker (in her hand), which was leaving a trail all over her yellow sweater.

Three of us (including the client) sat in shock as she was lost -- or very creative -- in her presentation and kept marking up her sweater. We, uh, really didn't know what to say 'cause it was kinda too late. And when SHE finally saw it, she was HORRIFIED because, well, it was a new sweater that just said hello to a permanent marker.

But the ideas? Brilliant.

Eat It, Love It, Not Sharin'

Okay, I'm NOT gonna share dessert with other mouths JUST because those, you know, Mouths happen to be sitting around the same dinner table as I. (Bugs.) And I really don't understand why other GROWN men would share either. And I don't get why others pressure me so.

I TOTALLY get why women order dessert, take a forkful, moan some luscious sound and then pass it to others. I get that. But when MEN do that same thing, I think they just fold under the pressure of peers. Truth be told. Fess it.

MenFolk, you don't HAVE to do that. If you want to get a mountain of Chocolate Decadence, you don't HAVE to share with ANYbody. It's okay. Just eat it. What guilt? 'Cause you don't slide YOUR dessert to somebody with a saliva-laden fork? It's okay, buddy. You're okay. You're paying for it. Keep on eatin'.

If you feel guilt, join MY table. We order. Eat. Smile. Stay healthy.

Tooth This

I'm all for technology. In fact, I hang out at the electronics stores just to fuss with the latest. But I don't get the whole Blue Tooth thing with people wearing them in meetings (not on a call) or in the restroom (not on a call) or eating lunch and not on a call. That makes no sense to me. Is it THAT hard to dismantle Tooth from Ear?

One night I was at a nice place for dinner and saw two couples at another table with the macho-looking man was wearing the Tooth -- ALL through dinner. Was it a fashion statement? (Ugly.) Was he expecting a call that couldn't wait? (Macho does not mean important.) Did he forget it was attached to his ear? What was the point? He looked like an IDIOT.

For the love of it all, can't we just agree that, 1. Technology is great; and 2. We're not going to be stupid about it.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

I try to be a good "partner" in my relationship, you know, a good husband, good support. And I THINK I've grown over the years, and the moment I knew I was gaining ground was when my wife called me to stop by the store to get things before I came home. Hey, trust. Yeah, a good thing.

"Sure, honey. Milk? Two loaves of bread? Anything else? I'll get it and be right home."

Life was grand. I was in the good seat, the sweetie pie, the honey bun. I was there for ya/her (key concept). And all that went well call after call, year after year until that One Day when that One Call came.

"You want what? Say again? T-T-Tampons?? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Let me pull over. Gotta write this down. OK, now WHAT? Are you sure? Which ones are they? What's it say on the box? What's it say EXACTLY on the front? What color? Why do I ask? Because I can't LINGER. Honey, I'm a GUY. Yeah, everybody will be LOOKING. Even the store cameras! Hey, do we need it right now? Can't we get it, you know, LATEr? OK, you want me to WALK down THAT aisle -- Yes, I LOVE you (paid the mortgage, didn't I?). Well, what ELSE can I buy with it? ANYthing. Not a candy bar. Something, you know, legit! No, I'm not raising my voi--"

28 years of marriage and still . . . n-n-not easy.

Work With Me, Would Ya?

What IS it with people at movie theaters who have to TALK through the show? And HOW do they always find the seat just behind me?

I just came from a show and BOTH the man and the woman were talking, trying to outguess the next line on the screen. Not just once but ALL through the show.

Hey, Bubs, that's why we came to a "TALKIE," you know, 'cause THAT way we can listen to what those actors are saying on the screen. 'K? That all right with YOU? I mean, it's not like we're in your living room, 'k?

And the CELL phones. Shut them off. AND NEVER, NEVER answer them and carry on a conversation IN the theater.

Let's just say, I'll be polite to you and you raise your game a little, too. That gonna be okay goojie woojie baby suckie idiot lettie outtie of the homie?

Make a Difference

I like the thought of making a difference. And I realized making a difference doesn't have to be grand, but perhaps this year we resolve to do something to make a difference. Perhaps this Nickelback video will inspire.

New Year's Resolution

So I'm sitting with my friend, Wendy, in Phoenix over brunch and I open up to reveal my newly defined New Year's Resolution. I barely get it out when she SPEWS Diet Coke all over the table -- and my forearm. (Timing of revealing resolutions is an art, apparently.) And then she can't stop laughing.

So at the risk of being spewed and laughed at, I share with you my New Year's Resolution:

Take Fewer Napkins.

Before YOU spew, remember it's honorable AND achievable. And of ALL the resolutions you've heard over the years, don't you think this one is a resolution you could get behind? Bumper stickers, viral campaigns, copycat websites and all?

Fact is, I take far tooooo many napkins. For example, at McDonald's or Rumbi's or ANYwhere I get a chance to select the number of napkins for my VERY own, I first take the normal amount, consider those I'm eating with and then take more. I'm not PROUD of it, it's just that I'm comPELLED to do so. I mean, what if I'm eating and find I actually NEED more but they're WAY OVER THERE. It could be SD (a Social Disaster). I think having an ample supply stems from my inborn need to be there for ya. You know, "Whoa, got mustard on your--here, take THIS."

Sometimes when the restaurant TRIES to limit me, it's a challenge I have to conquer. Again, I'm not proud of it, but when I'm at places like Cafe Rio and they place JUST the right amount of napkins (research findings) in such a way as to discourage customers from taking more, well, I . . . SCORE! Such a rush.

But when I take more and then realize friends aren't as messy as I thought, and we make it through without spilling drinks, well, too late 'cause the restaurant doesn't want them back, so we throw extras away. BUT if I were to -- if we ALL were to -- take fewer napkins, think of how the whole Nobel prize could go to us for stopping Global Warming. Kinda. So that's my goal.

Next year's resolution: Help Wendy time her spews. (I may need help.)

Caring

For the record, it's "couldn't care less" not "could care less."

The point is that a person cares so little that they couldn't care ANY less than they already DO. It's that low. Sunken down. Rock bottom. Basement level. Can go no lower on the CL (Caring Level).

So the phrase would be, "She's so self-absorbed, I couldn't care less where she goes on vacation," you know, or something passionate like that. Because, truly, if you're going to BE passionate, you deserve to get it right, right? But you probably couldn't care less.

Three Ibu's

Do you think 3 Ibuprofens and two Airbornes (taken before the 3-hour restriction) could explode in your stomach?

Cause I think that's what just happened.

Maybe YOU Bug

Someone said they looked at my blog and noticed I have posted a lot of Things That Bug.

Know what? That bugs.
EverthinkofTHAT?!

Cool Drool?

Okay, say you're sitting with your one-year-old and they want you drink from their cup with their straw. You do it, right?

And then what if the next day, your grandpa wants to share his drink with you and he's drinking from a straw, too. Do you drink it?

No? Why is that?

Is it because Grandpa has yucky germs? Or do you think Grandpa has more germs than your child, even though you're all from the same gene pool?

After all, it's the same strain of DNA in the drool, right? Baby or Gramps, same dif, don't you think?

I Lied to the Garbage Man

One year after Christmas, I decided I didn't want to have extra garbage bags outside in the snow for an extra week (because they wouldn't fit in the can), so when I heard the garbage truck, I hurried out to get rid of our extra garbage.

I was shaking in the cold waiting for the truck to come to our stop. I have to admit, too, that the closer it got, the more intimidating the noisy truck was. (Up close, those things are HUGE.)

When the Garbage Man finished at my neighbor and barreled his way to our stop, he put his head out of the window and yelled (over the truck noise), "Whenyagitriddyasak wateferda candycumdowndinputemindycan!"

I was so scared and it was so noisy and I was trembling outta fear or cold or something that I said, "OKAY!" and when the can came down, I hoisted a sack up into the truck.

The Garbage Man looked back at me and yelled louder, "Whenyagitriddyasak wateferda candycumdown dinputemindycan!"

"OKAY!" I yelled back, thinking, hey, we got something going here, the Garbage Man and I (I always made friends easily, so this was natural). And I threw another bag up.

Just then, the Garbage Man threw open his door, looked down at me in anger (and was kinda frothing at the mouth with his beard and all) and screamed, "I SAID, DON'T throw the sack up there! WAIT for the garbage to be dumped out and then PUT IT in the CAN!! It took me TWO HOURS last week to get a bag out from behind the BLADE! DON'T THROW your bag up there. PUT IT IN THE CAN!!"

I was SCARED to death. This man was MAD and he knew where I lived and I had to protect my family, but I knew he could turn his truck RIGHT toward my house and practically LIFT the WHOLE thing in his truck, so my hand snapped to my ear, my heart was racing, I was breathing hard, gave a panicked look at the angry, frothing Garbage Man and with a pleading voice (this is the part I'm not really proud of) I yelled like I was deaf, "I COULDN'T HEAR YOU! I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!!"

His entire faced IMMEDIATELY melted into a soft look and he hollered, "Oh, that's OKAY. You're OKAY. You're OKAY," and closed his door and drove off.

I couldn't believe it. It worked, but as I walked up my driveway, I thought, "I just LIED to the Garbage Man." I just LIED to him. Why did I DO that??

My family was still sleeping, and when I crawled back into bed, my wife woke and asked what was the matter. When I told her, she said, "You what? You LIED to the Garbage Man? Why in the WORLD would you LIE to the garbage man?"

I've never lived it down, but I AM thankful for the two acting classes I took. They saved my life.

Love You More

So along with my feelings of disappointment by not thinking to say Merry Christmas or Have A Great Weekend before the other person (thoughtfully AND sincerely) says it first, I feel the same way about I Love You.

To counter, whenever my wife or children would say, "I LOVE you!" when I was going to work, I felt it was like a defeated afterthought to say, "I love YOU, too." Kinda like, "Oh yeah, good point, uh, I love YOU! Too." So I decided to TRUMP their Love quote by saying, "Love You MORE!" Yeah, that'll get 'em. How can you beat the MORE thing? It stunned them at first. Victory.

But then THEY retorted with the same, "Love YOU more!" you know, with the YOU emphasis. Dang.

So THEN it became a point (and I made up the rules) that the LAST one to say, "Love You MORE!" before I shut the door to go to work WINS. (Always love a winner, right? Even in love.) So you'll often hear Love You MORE. Love YOU MORE. Love You MOST (hey, cheating). Love YOU Most whenever someone is leaving, ending a phone call, driving away.

All in all, there's a lot of love going around AND it's sincere. I think. Besides being the last one to say it when I leave for work (they've even called me in the car to say Love YOU MORE and then hang up -- is that love or sheer trumpMANIA? The ONLY thing that has left me speechless was when my youngest daughter blurted, "Love YOU MORE Blackout Infinity Crossies Don't Count!"

Again, a lot of love.

See You First...Huh?

I never really understood the phrase, "Not if I see you first!" I mean, I get it. I just don't underSTAND what people are thinking when they say it.

The first time I heard it was in elementary school when I said goodbye to the bus driver.
"See you tomorrow!"
"Not if I see you FIRST!" he shouted.
Uh, YEAH. I will still SEE you, I thought. Like what? If YOU see me first, I won't be able to see YOU? Hey, bub. Hey, Bus Driver Bub. Works both ways, the SEEing thing.

Goodbye, Dad

My dad died three months ago today, and it has been an interesting experience for me. Mostly, I just felt numb at first. I flew and drove to the hospital where he was. When I looked down at him on the hospital bed and realized what how close we were to him dying, I couldn’t stop from crying. And I let tears flow. I stroked his hair and rubbed his hand, telling him thanks for being such a good father. Six hours later, he passed. I don't think he was conscious enough to hear anything I said but that’s okay.

I wasn't angry about the death, like some. Dad was 81 and had smoked since he was a teen, so I felt for him that he dealt with that debilitating habit. He tried to kick the habit but got enveloped by it.

Besides being reminded of that overpowering sense that there's nothing I can do about death, I went through a lot of emotions and was most sad to realize my dad’s not there to talk to anymore. That has left me feeling empty during quiet times.

I coped by talking to family and friends, getting lost in guitar playing (a love of mine) and sleep (which seems to heal more than I've realized). Somehow for me, those things eased the numbness and brought some sense of normalcy back.

Have you felt those things, too? How have you coped? And when do you get through it completely? I’d really like to know.

Drive Thru's Scare

Drive-thrus scare me. They honestly make my heart race. First, I can't even come to a stop before they greet with, "Welcome! May I take your order??" Yeah, I KNOW they're trying to be prompt, but some of us need a moment and I think they should know their customers.

Next, the menu boards intimidate. To me, it's like one of those Chinese menus with 372 ways to mix rice and chicken. I get lost--instantly. I can't find the burger or the taco or the drinks or the shakes and the more I look, the more lost I am. All I see is a BLUR of options like all OVer the place. All the while, I KNOW everyone behind me already knows what THEY want and I feel like they're bumping my bumper to get through.

I sometimes cheat by rolling down my window early--even when it's freezing--and listening in on the order ahead of me. At Wendy's, I can hear three orders ahead because of the wrap-around. But it's good because it gives me ideas and options, which is what I need when I'm at the drive-thru.

Another annoyance is going through lines where you have to decide EVERY little thing about your order--lettuce? cheese? which kind? bread? toasted? pickles? sweet or dill?

Hey, Hey, Hey, can't you just GIVE me whatever your RESEARCH people team group back there in that little room showed worked with most folks? Just whatever the best thing that goes with the meatball sandwich--THAT's what I want. I don't know. Mayo? Mustard? Provolone? I'm a guy. Just put whatever MOST people put on it and QuitLookinAtMeThatWay. In reality, you WANNA be on my good side. I have MONEY you want.

Merry Christmas, Jon

Popular Radio Personality Jon Carter, from 103.5 The Arrow, is a riot. I just saw him at The Gateway shopping (I suppppooose) and he's always one to make you laugh. It's not jokes, just quips, wit, timing with a nonstop smile. And I returned the favor (yet OBVIOUSLY not as skillfully as he).

So we start to part and I say, "Merry Christmas, Jon!" which is key cause you always want to be the first to say that. Because if you're NOT, you'll do what everyone does -- and Jon did -- which is, "Oh yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too." Which is totally like NOT sincere. It's more like a "Oh, I forgot and NOW I have to respond but I really couldn't care less but I HAVE to say SOMEthing. After all, t'is the season, so blah, blah, blah."

So you can't win. Even if you say it, you can't. But you HAVE to say it. So, in reality, to get the most punch, you wanna say it FIRST. And there's no way to recover if you don't. Except for what Jon did, which was say, "And have a Happy New Year, too!" Dang him.