Why Not

When someone asks, "Why?" and the other person says, "Why not!" isn't that a copout?

They should just say, "I dunno & I'm LAME!" or "I can't think of anything intelligent & MAN you ask good one-word questions!"

Keep it real.

Punching Hot

Somtimes when I'm in a hot, crowded room and am sweating down both sides of my forehead and someone comes up to me and says, "Hey, you're sweating," I wanna say, "Uh, yeah, I KNOW that, Forrest." And then I wanna punch him.

Is that wrong?

Why a Pencil?

I don't really see the point in using a pencil.

Colors

I hate red pens that have black or blue ink.

If you're gonna be red, be red. Show your colors, man.

Our Cat

It's official. Our cat's bipolar. I'm not kidding.

It's a Fact

Sometimes . . . Women drivers . . . 

Sneeze Not

I've decided I hate sneezing.

What do you hate? (I know hate is a strong word, but, hey, it's an emotion and sometimes . . . )

Back of Your Head

Whenever professorial types pontificate (boring) with:

"I've had something no-o-o-odling in the back of my head,"

(like we should all be impressed), I think, "Are you sure it's the back and not the side, you know, where that bulge is?"

Bugs

I submit that from here on out, bugs have identifiers, so we'll know where they came from and where the rest are hiding -- so we can just get it over with.

Unused Icons

When I get that computer message:

"There are unused icons on your desktop"

I wanna respond with:

"There are unused socks in your drawer!"

Is it BOTHERING THEM that I have unused icons? Like there's a shortage of screen space? I mean, I put it there for a reason AND they ALLOWED it.

Peace & Love from Ringo?

Ringo, Ringo, Ringo. If you don't want to sign things, just don't. You don't have to turn off the whole world.

http://ringostarr.com/home.php

Besides, who's STILL sending stuff to get autographs??

Sneeze It

Why can't a sneeze just all come at once?

Why does it have to cut it into two or three?

Knuckle Bug

Why does hearing others crack their knuckles bug?

What bugs you like that?

Flights

So I'm on this five-hour, cross-country flight, and 90 minutes into it, the guy next to me has Flight Breath and he won't stop exhaling.

HOW could he NOT know?? Cookies. Peanuts. Diet Cola -- SOMEthing. Just swallow to dampen the effect. Or nostrils. Just use the nostrils.

What do you DO when you're trapped?

Distance From Dumb

I've always tried to keep my distance from knowing ANYthing about Dumb & Dumber, but more friends keep haunting me with it.

Seared in Memory

On the new Seinfeld/Bill Gates TV ad, I'm just not sure I wanna see two old guys' butts with one of them doing a little wiggle.

It's now seared in my brain and I don't think that's fair.

Gold and Silver

So the NBC Olympics commentator for women's synchronized swimming just said:

"These women have to earn it. They know they're not just going to get a gold medal handed to them on a silver platter."

Uh, yeah...wouldn't it be a gold platter?

What We Got?

Why is it that nearly every advertiser thinks a British accent is more intelligent sounding that an American one?

England has that British accent. Scotland has that Sean Connery thing going. Spain gives us Antonio Banderas.

We got nothin.

Dumb Commercials

When I see TV ads of attorneys who say stuff like:

"Did you know we've won 237,000 personal injury cases?"

I wanna say, "Yeah, that's the number I had for you. 237,000. Yep."

Target is Target

Let's just agree that if you're IN America, you say Target and not Tar-zhay.

We're not French and we don't sound more cool by trying.