No Pants Policy

A few weeks ago at work, we kicked off a No Pants Policy to beat the heat and fined employees a quarter for wearing long pants.

Today The New York Times ran a story on it and this photo of me interviewing a job applicant who came wearing a shirt, tie and shorts -- in honor of the policy and to avoid the quarter drop.

Impressive.

But we didn't hire him. Is that cruel? Because the shorts were clever, but the socks negated the effort, don't you think?

Drums

I know when I die, my wife's gonna get rid of my drum set. I totally know that.

Gotta stay alive.

Eyes

While this shouldn't be, I'm constantly amazed that when I close my eyelids, how dark it gets.

Poke Poke

Sometimes when people say, "You don't have a good poker face" (like that's a bad thing), I wanna say, "You DO have a pokey face."

Insert Foot

At my first job in LA, when my best friend/coworker and I got Christmas bonuses, I blurted, "That is SO COOL we got 100 bucks!" 

He said, "100?? I only got 50." 

Oops. What's your embarrassing moment?

Word Swapper

Year ago in LA, a sales rep sold our company a facsimile machine, but we changed it to just "facs" then swapped it to "Fax" and that's what it's been called ever since.

Pretty cool, looking back.

Now Works

Instead of saying "as we speak," as in "They're driving here as we speak," how 'bout just saying NOW?

'Cause 1. It works; and 2. What happens when the speaking stops?

Think Fast

What do you do when you're chatting over lunch with a friend and some of their saliva flies out onto your food?

Sure, it WAS an accident and you ARE friends, but still, it's spit. How do YOU respond?

Ignore it? Chew in denial? Be grateful for bonus moisture? Slide it? Tell them? Return the favor? Keep eating, realizing at least You know where that saliva's been, sorta?

In a split second, what?

In a Minute

When I say, "Hey, just a minute" and you say, "Hey, it's BEEN a minute!" remember, I say when the minute starts.

Beijing, Oh Beijing

So is it BeiJING with a hard Ja sound or BeiZHING with more of a zhing sound? 'Cause I don't want to get it wrong if someone asks.

Betcha

I bet you can't work "Bobba Louie" into a sentence and say it with a straight face.

And if you think you can (which you can't), I bet you can't do the same thing with "Boo Boo."

ASAP...Bogus

I don't believe in the whole ASAP thing because when someone says, "I need that ASAP," aren't they REALLY saying, "I need that NOW!"? 

And since Now is like NOW, isn't the request pretty much a lost cause because NOW just passed, so then when do they want it next? Now? And NOW? And NOW? Can't win.

It's like they're setting us all up to fail.  Give me a time, man.

'Leven 'Leven 'Leven

If someone emails me and says, "I have a 911," but when I describe it to a friend, I say, "Yeah, my friend had a nine eleven," and they say, "It's easier to say Nine One One," but I point out that "one one" takes more to say because you have to make your mouth go "Won Won" instead of a mere 'leven, why should they mock?

Eat More

Why is it that when you eat, you want to eat more?

This morning a friend gave me a donut. I didn't want to eat, but I took a bite. Then another. THEN another. Then ANOTHER. Then it was gone. Dang.

Why?

Inspirational Rhymes Comfort

One time, I got so frustrated with our cat, this popped out of my mouth:

Hey, kitten,
You'd make a great mitten.

I know I'll probably rot for that, but it's a natural rhyme, easy to remember and it keeps the cat in line, so . . .

Getting Good

Sometimes I get so thirsty, but then when I get something and swallow, I'm good.

Fears

My wife just told my daughters: "My dad's greatest fear is seeing someone he's known before and not knowing their name."

I blurted, "My greatest fear is driving off the edge of the Grand Canyon, but, yeah, I know what you mean."

Then we all laughed. (Close one.)

You Cannot Not Look

Ever seen this guy? One of the perks of Times Square. I've walked by him to my hotel more times than I've wanted, and every time, I felt it was punishment for something I undoubtedly did wrong that day.

Nice guy, but he can't sing worth a lick. I DID see him drive off in a stretch limo one day, though. Not bad when you're working for tips. Maybe success is all in the wardrobe.

The First Thing to Go

Wanna feel REALLY old?

Go to FreeMosquitoRingtones and see what you can and cannot hear. Be sure to have younger friends around when you do so they can join in on the fun or not fun.

Friend or Foe?

Ever have those people where you don’t want them to be your enemy but you don’t have enough energy to make them a close friend? What do you do with them? What’s your secret? (Anonymous comments gladly accepted.)

PS – I’m not saying that I have, and OBVIOUSly you’re not one even if I DID have, which I don’t. I’m just saying. . .

My Friend's Mouth

I was talking with a friend about odd jobs we’ve had over the years, and he was shocked that I had a ton and had done so many things.

So he said, “Is there anything you HAVEN’T done?” And he kept saying that over and over to where it totally annoyed me, so I said, “Yeah, I haven’t punched you in the mouth yet.”

I don’t think he liked that, but it was true. I hadn’t.

Sugar, Sugar

Sometimes when people are hyper, I like to say, "Hey, dial it back with the sugar intake," but I don't think I need to say "intake" 'cause that's implied, right? I mean, it's not like we're PAINTING with sugar.

How They Treat Someone

A friend said today when he worked in LA, he would sometimes actually sever business relations based on how some business associates would mistreat waiters/waitresses, knowing those actions often showed more of a person’s character (in an unguarded situation) than most suspect. He concluded if they so easily abused someone like that, they could naturally turn on him.

What do you think?