Imagine, You Can Change the World

What do you think? A great use of an icon (since it had Yoko's approval) or is it digitally creepy?

That Tone

Next time somebody says ANYthing to you, respond with, "Okay, THAT Tone. . ."

Road Trip!

Sweeeeeeeeeeet.

Stage Left

So I finally figured it out -- for an actor, Stage Left is to his left.

Good to know.
(Hey, I didn't major in that.)

Hammer Time

Yeah, if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.

Walk the Talk

What if an active walker wished to be healthy until his dying day and then a car hit him in a crosswalk and he died?

Guess he got his wish.

Oh My

Can you believe it?

It makes me wanna sing Jumpin' Jack Flash, even though that (Rolling Stones) song has nothing to do with low gas costs. Still.

Citrus Makes Hearts Fond?

I just read that a citrus scent makes a middle-aged woman appear to be six years younger than she is to a man.

Isn't it more like FIVE years?

Low

How low can it go?

Shuck 'n Jive

When's the last time you used the phrase, "Shuck 'n jive"?

Faux Pas

I've always wanted to use "faux pas" in a sentence (without the accent) and make it sound natural.

Down With Gas

I never thought I'd see the day. You know of any cheaper?

iPod

Is it true that the more songs you load onto your iPod, the heavier it gets?

New Goal

My new goal is not to be low maintenance but no maintenance.

Yours?

First Time

My good friend Alison just asked me:

"When's the last time you did something for the first time?"

Alison is wise. (But why does she speak in italics?)

Your Heart

I'm interested in talking to those who voted "Your heart" on the "Which is harder to open" poll.

Back of Your Head

Whenever professorial types pontificate (boring) with:

"I've had something no-o-o-odling in the back of my head,"

(like we should all be impressed), I think, "Are you sure it's the back and not the side, you know, where that bulge is?"

Applause

You know when you're at an event and someone performs and the crowd applauds but usually the applause erupts because one brave soul starts the applause?

Yeah, that's usually me. It's like my only talent.

Bugs

I submit that from here on out, bugs have identifiers, so we'll know where they came from and where the rest are hiding -- so we can just get it over with.

You and I

Try saying this when you're stuck next time:

That's why you are you and I am I.

It works. Trust me.

Under the Bus

I can't help but laugh when I hear someone say, "Guess they threw you under the bus" because yeah, it's gruesome but really visual.

Unused Icons

When I get that computer message:

"There are unused icons on your desktop"

I wanna respond with:

"There are unused socks in your drawer!"

Is it BOTHERING THEM that I have unused icons? Like there's a shortage of screen space? I mean, I put it there for a reason AND they ALLOWED it.

Use Me

Someone said:

Use me.
Abuse me.
But never lose me.

Which I thought was cute, except for that abuse part, but the cadence and rhyme...unbeatable.

Planet Dork??

I love this commercial. What's your favorite line?

Let's Just Say

Sometimes when you're verbally trapped, maybe the best thing to say is,

"Look, for the sake of argument, let's just say I'm right"

and then just keep on talking. Most people will follow.

Peace & Love from Ringo?

Ringo, Ringo, Ringo. If you don't want to sign things, just don't. You don't have to turn off the whole world.

http://ringostarr.com/home.php

Besides, who's STILL sending stuff to get autographs??

Getting Up

Sometimes when you're down, maybe the best thing to say is,

"Hey, I'm down. I'm really down."

And quit fighting it. Sometimes fighting being down can be really depressing.

Sneeze It

Why can't a sneeze just all come at once?

Why does it have to cut it into two or three?

You

I just saw your picture and it made me think of you. Not for long, just for a moment, but still.

Knuckle Bug

Why does hearing others crack their knuckles bug?

What bugs you like that?

Showers

So let's just say if you're wondering out loud if you should take a shower or not, take it.

And if it's been awhile, shower with soap. Your choice of fragrance. Just shower, k? (And while you lather, bask in the joy that you're not at a campout anymore.)

Fast Lane

Few things in life are better than "Life in the Fast Lane" by the Eagles magically popping up on your radio, cranking it louder AND actually BEING in the fast lane, freeway-speaking, of course.

It Is What It Is

I've learned that sometimes, the best response is to conclude: "It is what it is."

Favorite TV

It's kinda sad when you're on the road and discover your favorite channel on TV is The Weather Channel.

But the maps in motion. Wow.

Taxi 2

Oops. Today, I shouted for a taxi.

But I didn't yell, "TAXI!" I was racing out of a building, needed to grab a cab, saw one that didn't see me and hollered, "YO!" And, yeah, he stopped.

Taxi!

I've seen hundreds of people hail cabs in New York, and I've never seen anyone actually shout, "TAXI!" except in movies.

Oh, what a tangled web they weave. . .

Flights

So I'm on this five-hour, cross-country flight, and 90 minutes into it, the guy next to me has Flight Breath and he won't stop exhaling.

HOW could he NOT know?? Cookies. Peanuts. Diet Cola -- SOMEthing. Just swallow to dampen the effect. Or nostrils. Just use the nostrils.

What do you DO when you're trapped?

If I Ever

If I ever start treating a pet like a person, you know, like on a daily basis, slap me.

At a Loss

A year ago today, my dad died.

Does the emptiness ever go away?

Makes Me Laugh

Somtimes I say something just to make another person laugh. It started when I said something in kindergarten, others laughed and that tickled my tummy.

When no one laughs, it makes my stomach kinda hurt, but that's where Pepto coats.

Just for a Day

Just for a day, instead of saying, "Okay?" or "Do you agree?" say, "Ya dig?"

But when you say it, say it with confidence, like "Yeah, they're gonna dig" and then let me know, ya dig?

Distance From Dumb

I've always tried to keep my distance from knowing ANYthing about Dumb & Dumber, but more friends keep haunting me with it.

Hard Hitting

It's always interesting when the football coach says, "We told our team it's gonna be a hard-hitting game." 

As if you could ever imagine a coach saying, "Boys, today we're going for a medium-hitting game, so, uh, dial it back a little. We'll do the hard-hitting version next time."

When I Retire

When I retire, I think I'm going to write a series of books centered around the central figure (with glasses) called:

Larry Potter.

Seared in Memory

On the new Seinfeld/Bill Gates TV ad, I'm just not sure I wanna see two old guys' butts with one of them doing a little wiggle.

It's now seared in my brain and I don't think that's fair.

Can't Sleep?

When my kids were young, whenever one of them would walk in our bedroom, wake me and say, "I can't sleep," I'd say, "Maybe it's because your eyes are open."

That logic cured them. And you're welcome.

Dance, Dance, Dance

Don't you love how groups of complete strangers in movies can SUDDENLY break into spontaneous song and dance and be perfectly in sync?

How DO they do that?

Neck Poppin'

So you know when you pop your neck by pulling your ear to your shoulder?

Lately, mine only pops when I'm going to the right, and I'm thinkin' something's starting to fall apart.

What do you pop and who gets annoyed?

Lungs

When someone says they were screaming at the top of their lungs, don't they mean from the bottom of their lungs?

Falling in Love

Generally, which do you think falls in love quicker: Women or Men?

Why?

Dimples

My daughter told me some Chinese guy said you can actually make your OWN dimples by smiling a certain way real hard for a long time.

Huh? Don't dimples either come: 1. Naturally, or 2. From a kit?

Never Ever

I've never caught a fish.

What have You never done?

Ritz

Lately, I've really taken a liking to Ritz crackers.

Gold and Silver

So the NBC Olympics commentator for women's synchronized swimming just said:

"These women have to earn it. They know they're not just going to get a gold medal handed to them on a silver platter."

Uh, yeah...wouldn't it be a gold platter?

Fat Happy

Do you think fat cells are happier because, you know, they're bigger and there's probably a lot more going on in there? Like a big party?

Sharing a Bathroom

The dangers of sharing a bathroom are like today when I was brushing my teeth, and amid all the foam, I was either feeling the edge of a large bubble or a hair.

Believer

Sometimes I get talking real fast, but when I come to the part where I say, "Believe it or not," that's where you can belieeeeeeve it . . . or not.

That's how that works.

Ducks

I think if you ever get behind a person who walks like a duck, you're gonna laugh.

And that would be rude, but some things you just can't help.

What We Got?

Why is it that nearly every advertiser thinks a British accent is more intelligent sounding that an American one?

England has that British accent. Scotland has that Sean Connery thing going. Spain gives us Antonio Banderas.

We got nothin.

Dumb Commercials

When I see TV ads of attorneys who say stuff like:

"Did you know we've won 237,000 personal injury cases?"

I wanna say, "Yeah, that's the number I had for you. 237,000. Yep."

Target is Target

Let's just agree that if you're IN America, you say Target and not Tar-zhay.

We're not French and we don't sound more cool by trying.

TV Cameras

Ever get bugged by those TV cameras that are RIGHT up in the face of the Olympic gymnasts right after they finish their deal with that sweat and all but the cameras are RIGHT THERE?

That's why I never pursued the sport.

The World

When someone says, "Hey, it's not the end of the world," don't they have to like wait for an hour to kinda verify that?

Dodging the Box

As a skinny 8th grader, I feared for my life in gym class when we started boxing exercises. I dodged being called into the ring until the day I heard Coach yell my name to come box some gorilla of a boy/man/thing.

Without thinking, I froze and yelped, "I'm a LOVER not a fighter!" (Why, I'll never know.)

Everyone in the gym went instantly quiet...until Coach started chuckling and skipped over me to the next name on the list.

Humor--it can Save Your Life.

Have Mercy

When someone says, "It's killing two birds with one stone," do we really have to jump to that level of violence? As if the birds actually DID something that horrible that we, you know...

And has anyone who says that actually picked up a stone and, well...

Couldn't we just replace the whole scene with, "It's like hugging two birds with one arm" or something?

Rich or Poor

Living with roommates in my earlier years, I found the richest ones tended to be the stingiest while the poorer ones shared freely.

You found that too?

Weather

Over the years, I've learned you can pretty much watch TV weathercasters on mute and still get the gist.

Just to Be Safe

At the beginning of the last dvd I was watching, it said something like:

The opinions expressed herein do not reflect the views and opinions of 20th Century Fox (blah blah)...

What a relief.

It Tires Me

Next time tire makers make car tires, could they write the PSI/air pressure number a LITTLE smaller so when I'm on my knees trying to read how much air should be IN the tire, I can put my nose RIGHT UP to the tire down low right there on the street and really feel like I'm one with my vehicle?

One Word Cat

If cats can only say ONE word, WHY do they have to say it over & over?

I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it.

Men's vs. Women's Brains

Do you believe this funny yet insightful explanation on the difference between men's and women's brains?

Good For You

Does every cake need a purpose? Or what if the purpose is to fill my belly?

Captain, O Captain

Please tell me why we need berries in Cap'n Crunch.

Does the Captain KNOW about this?

Smug Bugs

When someone comes up to me and smugly says, "I guess YOU didn't get the memo," I wanna say, "I guess You didn't get braces."

No Pants Policy

A few weeks ago at work, we kicked off a No Pants Policy to beat the heat and fined employees a quarter for wearing long pants.

Today The New York Times ran a story on it and this photo of me interviewing a job applicant who came wearing a shirt, tie and shorts -- in honor of the policy and to avoid the quarter drop.

Impressive.

But we didn't hire him. Is that cruel? Because the shorts were clever, but the socks negated the effort, don't you think?

Drums

I know when I die, my wife's gonna get rid of my drum set. I totally know that.

Gotta stay alive.

Eyes

While this shouldn't be, I'm constantly amazed that when I close my eyelids, how dark it gets.

Poke Poke

Sometimes when people say, "You don't have a good poker face" (like that's a bad thing), I wanna say, "You DO have a pokey face."

Insert Foot

At my first job in LA, when my best friend/coworker and I got Christmas bonuses, I blurted, "That is SO COOL we got 100 bucks!" 

He said, "100?? I only got 50." 

Oops. What's your embarrassing moment?

Word Swapper

Year ago in LA, a sales rep sold our company a facsimile machine, but we changed it to just "facs" then swapped it to "Fax" and that's what it's been called ever since.

Pretty cool, looking back.

Now Works

Instead of saying "as we speak," as in "They're driving here as we speak," how 'bout just saying NOW?

'Cause 1. It works; and 2. What happens when the speaking stops?

Think Fast

What do you do when you're chatting over lunch with a friend and some of their saliva flies out onto your food?

Sure, it WAS an accident and you ARE friends, but still, it's spit. How do YOU respond?

Ignore it? Chew in denial? Be grateful for bonus moisture? Slide it? Tell them? Return the favor? Keep eating, realizing at least You know where that saliva's been, sorta?

In a split second, what?

In a Minute

When I say, "Hey, just a minute" and you say, "Hey, it's BEEN a minute!" remember, I say when the minute starts.

Beijing, Oh Beijing

So is it BeiJING with a hard Ja sound or BeiZHING with more of a zhing sound? 'Cause I don't want to get it wrong if someone asks.

Betcha

I bet you can't work "Bobba Louie" into a sentence and say it with a straight face.

And if you think you can (which you can't), I bet you can't do the same thing with "Boo Boo."

ASAP...Bogus

I don't believe in the whole ASAP thing because when someone says, "I need that ASAP," aren't they REALLY saying, "I need that NOW!"? 

And since Now is like NOW, isn't the request pretty much a lost cause because NOW just passed, so then when do they want it next? Now? And NOW? And NOW? Can't win.

It's like they're setting us all up to fail.  Give me a time, man.

'Leven 'Leven 'Leven

If someone emails me and says, "I have a 911," but when I describe it to a friend, I say, "Yeah, my friend had a nine eleven," and they say, "It's easier to say Nine One One," but I point out that "one one" takes more to say because you have to make your mouth go "Won Won" instead of a mere 'leven, why should they mock?

Eat More

Why is it that when you eat, you want to eat more?

This morning a friend gave me a donut. I didn't want to eat, but I took a bite. Then another. THEN another. Then ANOTHER. Then it was gone. Dang.

Why?

Inspirational Rhymes Comfort

One time, I got so frustrated with our cat, this popped out of my mouth:

Hey, kitten,
You'd make a great mitten.

I know I'll probably rot for that, but it's a natural rhyme, easy to remember and it keeps the cat in line, so . . .

Getting Good

Sometimes I get so thirsty, but then when I get something and swallow, I'm good.

Fears

My wife just told my daughters: "My dad's greatest fear is seeing someone he's known before and not knowing their name."

I blurted, "My greatest fear is driving off the edge of the Grand Canyon, but, yeah, I know what you mean."

Then we all laughed. (Close one.)

You Cannot Not Look

Ever seen this guy? One of the perks of Times Square. I've walked by him to my hotel more times than I've wanted, and every time, I felt it was punishment for something I undoubtedly did wrong that day.

Nice guy, but he can't sing worth a lick. I DID see him drive off in a stretch limo one day, though. Not bad when you're working for tips. Maybe success is all in the wardrobe.

The First Thing to Go

Wanna feel REALLY old?

Go to FreeMosquitoRingtones and see what you can and cannot hear. Be sure to have younger friends around when you do so they can join in on the fun or not fun.

Friend or Foe?

Ever have those people where you don’t want them to be your enemy but you don’t have enough energy to make them a close friend? What do you do with them? What’s your secret? (Anonymous comments gladly accepted.)

PS – I’m not saying that I have, and OBVIOUSly you’re not one even if I DID have, which I don’t. I’m just saying. . .

My Friend's Mouth

I was talking with a friend about odd jobs we’ve had over the years, and he was shocked that I had a ton and had done so many things.

So he said, “Is there anything you HAVEN’T done?” And he kept saying that over and over to where it totally annoyed me, so I said, “Yeah, I haven’t punched you in the mouth yet.”

I don’t think he liked that, but it was true. I hadn’t.

Sugar, Sugar

Sometimes when people are hyper, I like to say, "Hey, dial it back with the sugar intake," but I don't think I need to say "intake" 'cause that's implied, right? I mean, it's not like we're PAINTING with sugar.

How They Treat Someone

A friend said today when he worked in LA, he would sometimes actually sever business relations based on how some business associates would mistreat waiters/waitresses, knowing those actions often showed more of a person’s character (in an unguarded situation) than most suspect. He concluded if they so easily abused someone like that, they could naturally turn on him.

What do you think?

Country

I just got back from a concert and I'm constantly amazed at how many girls, who seem normal, like Country music.

America, Land of Freedom and Ice

Why does Europe have an aversion to ice in sodas? Is it a health thing? A scarcity thing? Something environmental? Elitist?

When I asked for ice in a diet soda on a British train after 6 days away from the Mother Land and was told, "Oh, it's cold enough," I laughed. Just GIVE me the ICE.

Even the Marriott Hotel ice machine felt like I was draining it of a year's supply when my ice bucket was only a third full. 

Tell me, what IS it with them and ice?

Easier

When people say, "Easier said than done," uh, isn't EVERYthing easier said than done?

Who Knew?

Note to self: Nasal spray is not eye drop solution and can burn, even in the dark, even at 3:42 a.m., even when birds need to move two blocks south to chirp.

Good Fortune?

Why do we inSIST on the freshest food at restaurants but GLADLY munch down stale fortune cookies at Chinese restaurants?

Are we that...whatever you call it when we cram stale stuff in our mouths kinda people?

Shake It

The Today Show's Matt Lauer talks about not liking to shake hands with others because of germs.

And then others talk about being germaphobes and not liking to touch door knobs or walk barefoot on floors and stuff.

I know we have to be smart about things, but isn't that why we have SKIN? I mean, otherwise, you know. . .

Freshen

Wouldn't you agree it's time to retire the word "lanyard" (why torture ourselves?) and freshen it up with something like lanni or lannie or lanny?

Lanyard? Barnyard.
Lanni. Hey Danny. Uncanny. Whoa Granny. Who's your nanny? Pakistani? Nice tan E.

After the Name, It's Downhill

Somtimes I've learned the best part of Mahi Mahi . . . is the name.

Trippin'

In school, I couldn't stop laughing when I saw someone trip and fall.

But I guess I wasn't thinking about the pain to their kneecap.

Hometown

Everybody probably likes their hometown (one reason they live there) until they get a speeding ticket from a cop (who also lives there and is supposed to be a friend to a fellow same-town-liver-person).

Then it's a pretty sucky place to be.

Just Asking . . .

Can we just eliminate the word "towards" altogether?

I mean, is there ANY place where "toward" wouldn't work just as well? 'Cept, maybe on a farm?

Work With Me

So when I say, "Just a minute" and the other person says, "Minute's UP!" I think, "Hey, I'm the one who says when the minute starts."

Don't you agree?

Japanese Cheese

So I was in Liverpool this week for a Paul McCartney thing with my old college buddy and he bumps into some Japanese visitors at a gift shop and introduces them to me. Because I speak the language, all of sudden, these guys think I’m their best friend. And they’re very polite and accommodating (how could you not like friendly Japanese people?). But they want to tag along with us, and we didn’t really want that obligation, so we part ways for the day. Later that night, we see them in another part of Liverpool by the Cavern, where the Beatles played 292 times. And our Japanese friends think it must be fate that we meet again, so they want to get pictures with us (like we’re some stars but we’re, you know, NOT).

I’m really not very interested in taking pictures with them because 1. I just met them a few hours earlier, and 2. (and this is the important part) I’m NEVER gonna see them again. Still, we oblige (to soothe international relations) BUT when I stand with the first Japanese guy and I put my elbow on his shoulder like we’re best buds, he puts his arm around me, but because of the height difference (6 foot 5 to his whatever), his hand goes right on my butt, my tush, my right cheek! YIKES. And he leaves it there as he smiles big for the camera (again, like we’re lifelong friends). AWKWARD.

What do you DO in times like that? Slouch? Roll out aWAY from the hand? Fake a coughing fit? I was blank AND shocked. But I made it through (scarred but breathing). Just then, the second Japanese friend comes out of the store and wants a picture with me, so now I’m standing between these two “best friends I ever had from Japan” and the first guy does it again – same cheek! My picture taking brother is laughing so hard, he can’t keep the camera still, which ONLY prolongs the ordeal. Take it. Take it. TAKE IT.

If you know how to break out of those situations, please, do tell. I have a gift from Liverpool for the best answer. (No, not the Japanese man unless, you know.)

Mouth to Ear Connection

I'm thinking that if MOST people eat on their right side, are those the SAME people who put the phone up to their left ear? (See polls.)

And for those who chew all OVER their mouth, does that require more time flossing, because it's, you know, not contained, the food?

British Cows...Rhythmic

True story: I'm riding this train from London to Liverpool today so I'm listening to Beatles music on my iPod (to get, you know, in the Beatles groove) and at the 1 min. 39 sec. mark on the song, "Girl," I look out the window and see a herd of cows and one of them is shaking his tail to the EXACT beat as the song, and I'm thinking, EVEN the COWS over here are like in sync. Unreal.

Sting

My friend, Shawn, asked me a few weeks back if I was a fan of Sting, and I said, "Not a huge fan," but I want to take that back. For the record. Just in case.

American Idol Lives

So today as I'm walking into a building on Sunset in Hollywood with one of my clients, two guys walk out of the elevator toward us, and I looked at one and thought, "He looks familiar--hey, that's David Cook," the new American Idol. So I reached out and shook hands and said, "Congratulations, David. We're really proud of you! Great job." And he said, "Thanks."

And then my client greeted him, and I asked him how much sleep he's gotten (because he just won American Idol less than 24 hours earlier). He said, "About 3 hours." So we talked for a bit in that small lobby while his guard/escort was talking with building security.

And I thought how cool it was that we just happened to enter that lobby at the exact time he stepped off the elevator. (Any time in the previous hours or days, we wouldn't have been able to get close to him, with thousands of fans at the Nokia Theater just the night before, and Paula, Randy and Simon and the myriad of TV cameras and parties and interviews and all.) And the two of us were just standing there talking to a tired David Cook, who was very polite and quite humbled by everything. In fact, along with the fatigue, he seemed like he was still in shock with all of the attention.

We wished him well as we said goodbye, with us forming words out of our mouths and him hearing those words and then responding with words of his own out of his mouth and then those words being heard by us from him to us both in the same language right there with words and handshakes and smiles going around like they do in those buildings in Hollywood. Kinda cool.

Met any celebrities lately? Do share.
PS - Seeing Yoko in New York doesn't count.

Carney's Hollywood Diner - Stay

So I'm at Carney's, a cool Hollywood diner, for lunch, and I order a hot dog with tons of sauerkraut ('cause, you know, why not?), and I feel like a total outsider because, well, it's my first time and others are waiting to order, and the man says, "Stay or to go?"
I say, "Stay."
He says, "Stay?"
"Stay!" thinking I needed to SHOUT it out and he starts to write "STAY" then stops, looks at me and says, "What's your NAME??" (With a tone like, "IDIOT, your name is STAY?? I SAID, what's your NAME?")

Man, I gotta turn that iPod down 'cause it's starting to affect me at lun--what?

Cool Trick

So I just learned that if you microwave ice cream for 25 seconds first, it's WORLDS easier to scoop out than bearing down on frozen ice cream with the scooper.

I've also learned 55 seconds is, uh, too long.

What cool tricks do YOU know?

A Million

In a recent chat, a friend said, "I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years."

Um, YEAH you would. A million years! That's like a M-I-L-L-I-O-N years. Do you REALIZE how many things you would guess in a million years?

Crazy Words

I don't really get when people say stuff like "physicality." Can't they just say "physical" and it's the same thing?

Or "functionality," which geeks use ALL the time. Show me a place where the word "function" won't work as well as "functionality."

The point is 1. Some people just like to SOUND, you know, bigger; and 2. I don't think most people have that much spare TIME to hear all those extra syllables. Right?

5 Secrets of the Drive

Driving the freeway daily has taught me a few things on how to get there sooner. 1. I turn on my lights (no flashing, just on). 2. I get in the fast lane. 3. I sit up straight. 4. I wear sunglasses. 5. I listen to good music loudly, you know, to get in the mood.

Doing those 5 things today was magic. SEVEN cars moved over so I could drive past. Of course, one car (BMW) pulled in front of me (scroll up & click on Things That Bug, read the BeemerTude entry and you’ll see how predictable that was). But getting 7 cars to move over is cool.

What are your freeway secrets?

Some Things Look Dumb

You know when people are in awe of someone else and they bow and fan them with both hands stretched out? (Like the “I’m Not Wooooorthy” act.

It looks stupid.

No matter how many times I’ve seen people do it or how famous or how cute they are, it looks dumb. Don’t you think? (PS – I think those who do it know it, too. Else why would they look around with that cheesy smile?)

Very French

Isn't the word, "froufrou" (you know, like frufru)?

'Cause I keep hearing people say fufu and fifi and mumu and mimi, and I'm thinking, if we're gonna try to be French, shouldn't we at least agree which French word it is? That way, we can all be froufrou together and sound cool--at least for a moment. What say?

Poster Power

In one of my regular restaurant dives in Times Square, they serve steak and as I was eating there recently, I noticed this HUGE poster titled “CHOKING.” And it had a person doing a serious Heimlich on the apparent choking person, and next to the chokee was a giant skeleton of a (dead) fish (they don’t even serve fish).

And this was hung so all the customers could see it, which really added to the ambiance. It was even framed. (Shouldn’t this be in the back room somewhere?) Is choking THAT big of a problem in this restaurant?

As I kept eating, I was drawn to the poster and started feeling strange things in my throat (no joke), and then I started coughing. But I kept breathing, but THEN I started hiccuping (never really written that word before). Then I knew I was in trouble because hiccups don’t go away easily, but I kept breathing and chewing and working my way through the steak and potato and drink and then got myself out of there.

In a way, you could say I choked that night. Either way, that was a close one. You ever choked?

Stop at 4

So yesterday, I'm waiting for the train and strike up a conversation with someone who seems like he's a weathered 63-year-old with long curly hair (I like long hair, having lived through the 70s). And in no time, he's saying he has a good life because of 5 things:
1. I'm still breathing, he said as he tapped his chest (I'm thinking, "Uh, yeah, good thing.");
2. Have a roof over my head;
3. I've never been hungry. (Good to know);
4. I know who I am. (Never a bad thing, especially if you win some money and have to identify yourself); and, as he raised his hand, he concluded,
5. I can still wipe my butt.

WHOA. Hey, Buddy! Too Much Info!

Couldn't we have just STOPPED at #4?? I could've gone ALL week not hearing that. (But NOW the visual is forEVER seared in my brain. Dang!)

I smiled in disbelief, nodded, turned and left, you know, without shaking hands.

Birds I've Heard

I like birds. I think they offer a nice dimension, flying around like they do. But WHY do they have to start chirping at 4:30 in the MORNING? I've been awakened by them as early as 3:37. Why, I ask?

I know the young ones want breakfast, but can't Mom & Dad just get the worms or bugs or granola bars or whatever and lay them on the branch the night before?

And once they've swallowed, can't they just smile and say, "Thank You." Or just whisper to each other through the whole ordeal? I mean, aren't they all in the SAME tree anyway?

I'm not asking for much. I just want my sleep.

Cell Off

Yesterday I accidentally left my cell home but didn't realize it for hours. When I found out, I panicked. Then I felt a freedom because that meant no phone. No emails. No texts.

I hoped I hadn't missed something urgent, but I instantly felt freedom from the cell attachment I have had nearly every minute of every day. Honestly, I hadn't felt that kind of freedom for years (like the first time you can drive without anybody else. Is that America at its best?).

How long could you go without your cell? Honestly?

Exploring Another Mystery

So it’s taken me a while to realize this, but when women wear hats, it seems like it’s more because they don’t want to wash/mess with their hair than it is a style thing.

I mean, THANKfully, hats are stylish, too. But I think I’m realizing it’s more a matter of Hair Hassle than style. Not saying it’s a bad thing, just, you know…

So what do you think? Style-driven? Hair Hassle? Wash hassle? Shampoo low? Love the grit? Back to nature? Combo?

And what other tricks do they have?

One Secret for Success

In the business world, I think it's always important to know where your trash can is, you know, without looking.

Staying Happy

Zig Ziglar said something like, 90% of divorces would be eliminated if we delivered in the marriage what we sold in the courtship.

I believe him. What do you think?

Bald-Headed Woman Playing Bolley Ball?

So I have this friend who told me she (or he, I'm not supposed to tell) up until two years ago, thought the word was "Bolley Ball" instead of Volleyball. She's 23. What?

Hey, ready to go to the bolley ball game? Let's all watch them play bolley ball!!

I have another friend who thought the Bee Gees were singing "Bald-headed Woman. Bald-headed woman to me-e-e" instead of "More than a woman."

Another friend thought Carly Simon was singing, "I had some dreams. They were grounds in my coffee, grounds in my coffee and You're So Vain." (1 min. 22 sec. mark)

People. We can do better. (You got any stories?)

It's Not a Plate

Can we just agree right now that the word is template, as in tem-plet and not tem-playt?

Once we’re all on board, can we agree to help those people who can’t seem to get it right because those same people know a LOT of words in their presentations, but when it comes to them saying TEM-PLAYT, I just erase everything they said ‘cause they’re messin’ with my mind and I’m not gonna take it anymore.

See my friend http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/template for more.

In Trouble

I believe in the afterlife and I KNOW at that point, I'm gonna catch heck for the way I've treated the cat that's been hanging around our home for 16 years. (I KNOW!) And I'm a little scared about facing him because I'm SURE he'll be able to talk by then, just like cats in Dr. Doolittle, and we'll be more on equal ground and he'll still have claws.

The other night, I think I had a nightmare about it (can't remember all of it...was asleep) but I recall a conversation that went:
Cat: Why were you always mean to me?
Me: Why did you always keep bonking into my leg?
Cat: It's just what I do.
Me: But I TOLD you for 16 years to stop DOing that, especially at the dinner table.
Cat: And you were always trying to get rid of me. What's your prob? Do tell.
Me: I was trying to set you free.
Cat: It was always snowing like 3 feet deep.
Me: I thought you liked the winter wonderland feel.
Cat: What I LIKED was not to freeze my, well, whiskers off.
Me: Why didn't you just SAY so?
Cat: I'm a cat, okay?
Me: That's my point. I would TELL you things and you would ignore them.
Cat: I heard you. Just didn't think they made much sense.
Me: Which was WHY I was trying to set you free.

I don't think I won that one, but at least I have 7 things to say to him, if he keeps to the script, which, you know, fat chance.

Spending Money

I just read a news story that said a study finds, "Those who spend cash on others feel cheerier than those who simply spend money on themselves." Yeah, whatever.

I Froze

Someone asked today if I was a Ginger fan or a Mary Anne, and I froze. I didn't know what to say. I dashed back to the time when I was 11 or something and then blurted, "GINGER!"
But then he said, "Oh, I was a Mary Anne fan."

I felt shallow. What DO you say in times like that??

Family Cat

So I’ve been living with the (family) cat for about 16 years, and I’ve only agreed to do it to show support to my family. But I don’t like it.

Why? I’m allergic to that cat. ALLERGIC. And my family keeps saying over and over it’s ALL in my head.

Yeah, I know. I know it’s in my head—until I sneeze it out. That’s my point.

Thank You, Facebook

So my 19-year-old daughter's receptionist job is such that she sees a lot of people. And I just learned that this guy from another company on the same floor would often wave to her, then got brave and introduced himself, then gave his business card (still waving each time) and invited her to email or something.

So she found him on Facebook and learned he was 38. Then she saw he was married. Then she confronted him on being married. Then he -- (well, when she was telling me this, I interrupted and said, "I'll tell you what he said. I bet he perSUASIVELY tried to say, 'There's nothing wrong. We can still be friends,' blah, blah, so he can get closer to you because OBVIOUSLY that's the direction he's been moving in") -- (back to the story, he) said, "There's nothing wrong. You're not going to let THAT stop us from being friends, are you??"

Then I told her how creepy that was. And she admitted she felt weird about it, too. So I said, "When things feel creepy, you should Follow Your Gut, (and then I thought and SAID) Not His Butt." Whoa. I said it. Just like that!

Thoughts? (I mean, not about the Instant Rhyme, but the directness.)

You Are Here

When I see a map that says, "You are here," I have always read it, "You are HERE." But now I'm going to start reading it, "You ARE here" to be more reassuring, like, "Hey, you made it. Good job. Way to arrive."

It's that kind of encouragement, I think, that would help us all get from where we are to where we are going. And in today's world, I'm just saying.

More Creative Expression

Feels like we ALL could use a little more music in our lives. Doesn't this inspire you?

Stuff Like That

I've been on the road all week on business, and I'm amazed at how busy everyone is--so much so that people are racing around even in their conversations. To get to the point quicker, we adopted the "and stuff like that" ending to sentences.

So try it, you know, just for today. Just throw in a few "and stuff like that" endings when you're talking to see the reaction because we were going from cab to cab and building to building and stuff like that. At night, we would eat dinner at one place and dessert at another and stuff like that. Then in the mornings, we had more people to meet and stuff like that. It was wild.

Gabbin' With Friends

I'll be sitting, chatting with friends and it'll go on for some time, and then they'll say, "These wooden seats are hard, and I don't have much cushion. . . "

And I think, "Uh, have you LOOKED lately? I think you're doing fine."

And not like they've overdone it, but just claim what's yours--I'm just saying.

Woman Bike Cabber

One summer night I was at New York's Times Square waiting for a light to change when a woman, pedaling a bike cab, stopped and hollered, "Hey, wanna ride?"

"How much?" I shouted.
"Oh about 5 or 6 bucks."
"Maybe, just a minute," I said as I called my friend I was meeting. (I thought it'd be cool to ride by him and wave, you know, just for a laugh.) I just talked to him minutes before, but when I tried to call several times again, I kept getting a busy on his cell number.

Suddenly, the bike cab lady yelled out, "Hey, are you single!?"

SINGLE? Wow, she's like 25 and I'm PROBably her dad's age. So WHY would she ask if I'm single when I'm, you know, so old? Of course, this IS New York and Steve Martin WAS flattered in "Father of the Bride" when those young women pulled up next to him--but NO, it's NOT RIGHT. I don't care if she IS hitting on me.

So I quickly pointed to my wedding ring and out in the MIDDLE of Times Square, yelled, "NO, I'M MARRIED! I'm MARRIED!!"

She looked rejected (figures) or puzzled or something, but I ignored eye contact and kept on trying to call my friend, to no avail.

And then suddenly, AGAIN she hollered at me, "HEY, HEY. YOU thought I said, Are you SINGLE? I SAID, WHAT? Can't get a SIGNAL!?"

Reality hit me. StuPIDITY hit me. And totally embarrassed, I quickly said, "Oh, yeah. Okay, sure," as I rushed across the street to get lost in the crowd. SOOO stupid.

Studies Show. . .

I just read this in the news: "Studies show that spending time around positive people makes you happier."

Uh, did we REALLY need a STUDY to reveal this "secret" of the ages?

Another report said, "Drinking water makes you happier." (Where does breathing rank in all of this?) But, hey, good to know.

Hot Time

You know how you watch a movie and they turn on the radio or TV and it just HAPPENS to be EXACTLY on the part of the song (or show) that matters, and you're like, "RIGHT, that NEVER happens!" and it seems so contrived?

Well, it happens to me lately. Like last Thursday with that song that goes "Hot Time Summer in the City. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty."

And it happened about three months ago, so, anyway, I'm a believer kinda.

Tonight's Call

The phone rang tonight and, no joke, the caller ID said, "Christ Cell" and I thought, "Whoa. Jesus? Jesus got a cell? I know prayer IS like a phone call but I didn't know He had MY number."

Cool. . . and scary all in one call.

You Asking Me?

People who describe/defend their viewpoint by asking questions and then answering them bug.

I was watching someone in the news defend his actions with this talking style, and it hurt to hear. It made about as much sense as saying something like:

Did I wake up? Yes, I woke up.
Was I hungry? You bet I was.
Did I GO to the kitchen? Yes, that is where the food is kept.

or

Did I know the man? Yes, we were friends.
How long did I know him? I KNEW him for several years.
Did I know he had a PROBLEM?

Hey, BUDDY. I think YOU have a problem because you can't SPEAK like normal people. Just GIVE us the answers, and you just keep those questions to yourself. . . with those other friends (voices) in your head. Can we DO that?

What bugs you?

Why?

Why do I eat Oreos at 10:32 at night? Why?

Turning the Spotlight

Someone once shared the concept of putting the spotlight on others when you talk with them. They said, "Imagine a spotlight swiveling on the ceiling between you and the person you're talking to. And you can have the light on you or on them.

"The key," they said, "is to keep the spotlight mainly on them, asking about them and being concerned with what's going on in their life."

[If you've ever had someone who seemingly reaches up and grabs the spotlight to keep putting it on THEM, you'll know the frustration with those conversations, which don't last long (unless you're into self-torture by self-absorbed friends)].

This isn't to say you can't ever share something about your life with the other person. It's just a nice reminder to focus less on self and more on others. Doing that often opens up worlds of interesting conversation and has even guided me to help others because it gets me outside of my own little world.

Have you had good experiences with this style?

Start the Film

Why IS it that it takes 22 minutes of movie trailers and poorly produced commercials before theaters will actually START the movie you paid to see?

I like movie previews, but enough already. Three and out--can we just agree on that? We'll be back to watch more. We'll pay your prices and spend a fortune on your popcorn, but you don't have to DUMP ALL of the movie previews on us at once, 'k, Mister Theater Owner?

An Honest Woman

You’ve probably seen the movie, P.S. I Love You, and therefore, seen the scene where Daniel is trying to figure out his role in life vis-à-vis women. Frustrated, he asks Holly to provide clarity and the conversation goes something like:

Daniel – What do women want? I can’t figure it out. Do they want us to call? Do they want us NOT to call? Get them flowers? Don’t get them flowers? What do you people actually want?

Holly – It’s a secret. It’s a sacred secret, but I’ll tell you… You ready? We have NO idea what we want.

Now, honestly and CANDIDLY, ISN’T that about the most accurate description you’ve ever heard from a woman? And not that it’s a bad thing (or…), but it EXPLAINS a WORLD of clarity and doesn’t make men feel so stupid (see entry about Valentine’s Day). Or was that your plan?

Either way, CIFOA – Candor In Film Once Again.

Abe's Wisdom

When I was 18, I was in a dentist's chair one day and noticed several quotes from famous folks attached to the ceiling. Reading those took my mind off the pain, but one quote by Abraham Lincoln stood out from the rest. It said:

"I've often been driven to my knees by the overwhelming realization that I had nowhere else to go."

Don't Get It

What IS it with cats where they're lazin' around and then ALLofASUDDEN they think, "Oh No! I'm SUPPOSED TO BE IN ANOTHER ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!"

I don't get it.

Blondes Having Fun

So the THING with the Blondes, Brunettes Poll was this: I'm not surprised with the results, but more important, I don't think ANYbody should feel insecure (on a regular basis) about anything. For example, if they want to dye their hair, they should do it with confidence and flair and fun. And they should feel great about it.

After years of living behind my neighbor Bruce, something looked funny about his hair (I don't pay much attention to things like that, I guess). My wife said, "Yeah, he's wearing a toupee. Has been ALL the years we've known him."

"What do you think about that?" I asked.
She said, "If it makes him feel better about himself, then I think that's great."

And her simple approach made me adopt that same outlook about others who do a lot of things I may not.

So while Fake Blondes (no disrespect) was the overwhelming Poll winner, I hope those former non-blondes who dyed it blonde would feel great about themselves no matter the original color. Shouldn't we all?

PostScript - One day Bruce threw the hairpiece away and walked around bald and shiney, and he looked dignified and comfortable with himself. About two years later, he suddenly died, which shocked me. It made me hope everyone could do whatever they need to do so they feel comfortable and confident in their skin (and bones and body and everything). Life's too short, don't you think?

Movie or Book?

If the book is better than the movie, why ruin the movie by reading the book? When you eat the popcorn while enjoying the movie, it's a beautiful world.

Toes

Ever think when you're wearing boots that your feet may feel claustrophobic? Trapped? Pinched? Dark? Forgotten? Unlike sandals or slip-ons where they can come up for air quickly.

Think About Your Troubles

One of my favorites growing up was this song. Provides a new perspective. Thanks, Harry Nilsson. (What's your favorite part? Mine is "Not too good for drinkin'...")

Trouble

So IF earlier today I said, "I didn't start taking aspirins until I was married," WHY should that get me in trouble?

It's JUST a statement of timing and actions. Nothing more, nothing less. Do you not believe?

Poll on Blondes, etc.

Two things about the current poll on blondes, brunettes, etc. 1. The Fake Blondes term is not meant to slam; it was just a category name that came up most on Google. Well, maybe Yahoo. 2. I think the conclusion of this poll might cause us to think in a different way. It's a thought I'll share at the end of the poll.

Hope you vote.

Birds

In all of God's Green Earth, WHY do birds have to dump on MY car?

Do they not SEE how much land there is out there for them to do that? Do they not see all the OTHER cars? I did NOTHING to them, and, frankly, I'm getting a little sick of it all.

Dad's Wisdom

Dad used to say, "Read all the books you can because you won't live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself."

I like Dad. But, man, he could be demanding with all that reading books thing.

What words of wisdom from your Dad or Mom (or grandparent or cousin) stand out?

Column A, Column B

So here's my theory. In most conversations, you can identify if a person is in Column A (which means Yes) or Column B (No).

For example, if the guy asks, "Would you like to go to dinner this weekend?" and she says, "Oh, this weekend? Um, this is a busy weekend for me" then you could safely assume she's giving a Column B answer but she doesn't want to come out directly with a No because that would be too rude. But if she says, "That sounds fun" then, obviously, it's a Column A answer.

I think people talk this way because it's sometimes hard to come right out and say "Yes" or "No, thank you." Sometimes it feels too direct or hurtful, so people say other things around that, but what they're saying still lines up with their core feelings about wanting to do something or not.

Ever since I've started listening for which column responses land in, it has been FASCINATING to hear what people are really saying. In fact, it's made a huge difference in understanding others' real intents. Sometimes I get it wrong, but this approach greatly minimizes the misreads. And it helps me respect another's position more readily instead of trying and trying and trying to persuade them to my point of view. Honestly, it comes down to an understanding and respect thing.

Column A or Column B. Let me know if it works for you.

Head Discovery

So I'm in this meeting where five of us are interviewing this guy for a job, and things are going well, and the guy's bald and very likable, but apparently we're asking tough questions because the guy starts to sweat.

And I noticed the sweat was coming from his bald head where, you know, the baldness is, but nothing was sweating from the typical sweat places around the forehead. It was just all up there.

And then more and more beads were forming like a Chia pet, and while I felt sorry for the guy, I couldn't stop staring. And I kinda forgot the questions I needed to ask. Then I thought he was going to see me, but my eyes were glued and more beads popped up and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. And I thought this is SO COOL 'cause I've never noticed that before.

Then I wondered if that's where HS (head sweat) really forms for all of us but most don't see it 'cause, you know, it's hidden.

Anyway, it was fascinating. And we didn't make the guy an offer. But the sweat was cool. You ever had something like that?

About the Passion

So isn't Valentine's Day all about the Passion?

And passion is kinda like Burning (in a good way). And burning is like a Fire (in another good way--hey, two good ways).

And if there IS a fire, then SOMEone has to instigate it.

And that leads to THIS song--a song you've heard and sung AND danced to (we have cameras) BUT have probably never seen like THIS.

Live the passion. Happy V-day.

(PS - I didn't say we USED the cameras, just that we had them.)

When to Apply

Okay, I was in a conversation with two friends AND I asked an innocent question, but THEY had such differing views from what I thought they would say. Hence, the deodorant poll to your right.

Let me know your thoughts/habits/pattern (hope it's a daily pattern) and I'll tell you more about our conversation after the poll closes.

Candor on the Stop

Can we be really, really candid for a moment?

I kinda ignore stop signs in parking lots, like at the mall and Target and such. Yeah, I see 'em. And I slow down, but, really. STOP? C'mon. What's the point. Is that guy with the yellow/orange (annoying) security flashers gonna chase me?

Instead of a Stop SIGN, isn't more like a Stop SuGGESTION?

Do you stop?

Flossing Victory

I just want the LADIES who ridiculed me -- humiliated me to the ground (not really but it sounds energetic) -- for flossing beFORE I brush to know that after this SCIENTIFIC survey, 4 out of 5 dentists (not polled but they're in EVERY poll) AND the majority of those surveyed here floss BEFORE brushing.

37%!! Isn't that like a MAJORITY? Okay, well close.

But that aside, we must unite and admit that all of us who DO floss ARE concerned about our blogging friends (25%) who don't even touch the floss wax.

Friends, Romans, please, consider the possibilities. We know it's rough at first because the floss string cuts like a knife inflicting unTHINKable pain, but we'll be there for ya. Promise. Unless you don't ever, ever, ever, you know, FLOSS, in which case, we'll be singing THIS song. (Just jump to the 3:00 minute mark.) Yeah, I know it's not pretty, but that's kinda the point.

Groundhog's Day

And is it Groundhog's Day or Groundhog Day? 'Cause I think the movie ruined it and changed what all of us had been saying all those years, and I don't we should let Hollywood DO that to us.

Groundhog or Groundhog's Day? Which?

For Men's Eyes Only

It's February and we all know what THAT means--a cruel reminder that no matter WHAT we do, there's NO WAY we can really succeed in gift giving on Valentine's Day. Believe me, I've tried. And the women are gracious about it, but deep down, we know we've failed. . . a LOT.

PLUS, the thing is we all know that we'll crash again this year, but inVARIABLY the women in our lives will protest that point.

Don't you agree, though, that IF you give chocolates, they'll think, "Thanks! (but that's fattening and he should KNOW I'm trying to lose" and if you give a Sweeeet Card, it's, "Aaah, this is so wonderful. Thank you! (is THIS IT? That's ALL he's giving this year? What about the CHOColate??)."

And flowers? Typical. Same ol'. (Plus, I always feel instantly stupid when I'm in a flower shop. I admit, I don't know what I'm doing but ALL the women behind the counter DO and I KNOW they giggle when I'm gone.)

The torment goes on and on, so WHY do we HAVE this Annual Beating? It's V-deMoralizing!

And what do they say back to us (and it's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that I don't belieeeeve it): "Anything you do will be fine. A poem. A card. Just the thought."

But, see, all the while, they're on AutoScope for what other women are getting, and, frankly, it's ALWAYS better than what they got.

So, I'm kinda in to giving up. But only after I get the flowers, chocolate, card, dinner, jewelry, time devoted to doing anything around the home she wants me to AND a poem. Let me know how YOU fare this year.

PS - How many women read this?? (Did YOU not READ the headline? YOU don't have MEN's eyes; yours are Gorgeous! This is kinda sensitive private stuff.) OK, as long as you've read this far, then we HAVE to hear YOUR side of it, 'cause, frankly, we're failing over here. Throw a lifeline. Something.

Look at the Sun?

I've had an attack of the sneezes lately and everyone's saying to look at a bright light--look at the sun!

So I tried it, and doesn't that like burn a retina? Sure, the sneezing stopped, but I can't really see for several seconds afterward. Problematic 'cause then my nose drips and I'm not sure, you know. . .

So who ARE these "Look at the sun!!" people and why do they keep saying this?

Help Jay Leno

You can tell the writers' strike has left some shows void of clear thinking because if you have Comcast cable TV and read the description (Info button) on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno--you know, the bait, the lure, the tease, the grabber to get you to watch--you'll read every night:

"Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The venerable show that became one of TV's sturdiest (and most profitable) institutions."

And that's supposed to draw you in?? Okay, isn't that wrong on about FOUR counts?
1. Venerable? Venerable? Oh yeah "commanding respect because of great age." That's what I've been LOOKing for.
2. One of TV's sturdiest... "Hey, honey, are there any STURDY shows on tonight? And I want the STURDIEST, not some runner-up. It's been a tough day."
3. And most profitable! Oh yeah, I ONLY want to view PROFITable shows tonight -- no money losers. Not wastin' MY time.
4. And finally, they used "institutions." Does that inspire me? I'll see your instiTUTion and raise you 3 up-and-comers.

Meanwhile, Letterman had Jessica Alba, Julie Chen and the Whigs. Hmmm.

Stepping Outside

Sometimes when I think about looking back at the end of life, I feel we'll consider our richest moments to be those where we stepped outside of our issues and tried to make a difference with another.

This music video reminds me of that. It kind of symbolizes that. Like what if life and time WERE really like this? What one thing would you do differently today?

Be the Wit of the Party--Guaranteed.

Okay for fun, try this ONE time this week because sometimes THIS is the most clever--yet random--thing to say in a group.

Here it is: "Yeah, I dated someone like that once."

But it's best used when someone says something totally off-concept, like, "That looks way old or That tastes sweet or I can't find the rhythm. I need an oil change. The fridge is on the blink. I have a rash. My heater broke. The mailman's always late. That's yucky. I had a wreck today."

(And then YOU naturally say) "Yeah, I dated someone like that once."

The phrase works every time. (And if it ever, ever doesn't--unlikely--just look at everyone like it really DID but they just didn't get it.) So be BRAVE, take a risk, have fun, try it just once and then Watch Wit Grow. Yeah, I dated someone like that once.

Fully Protected

When a McAfee message pops up on my computer and keeps saying, "Your computer is not fully protected," it bugs and makes me wanna say, "Hey, maybe YOU'RE not fully protected! Ever think of that? See that window over there? Single pane. Not smart. Not FULLY proTECTING You, if youknowwhatImean, I thinkyaDooo."

Maybe I'm Amazed

Truth be told, every man eventually gets to the point in life when he admits the message in this song.

It's not always easy, but when guys surrender to common sense, it's evident. So WHY does it take so long to get there?

Whiskers

I've never really had whiskers before. But now I have 'em. I'm older than most people I know, so why now? Why whiskers at this age? They're an odd sensation. I mean, I have to shave like EVERY day (almost) and it's kinda buggy. EVERY DAY?? I've been going DECADES without worrying about shaving except maybe twice a week but now...

And like when I blow my nose and wipe with a Kleenex, invariably some tissue stays IN the whiskers. Why isn't this happening to OTHERS? I don't see anyone ELSE walking around with Kleenex particles dangling. Is this something I have to MASTER? Will it take months, years?

I used to do this joke on people at parties where I'd motion to them that they have something on the side of their mouth. And, horrified, they'd quickly brush it away. But nothing was one their face. I'd even have friends watch as I did it to person after person. Same reactions. Then we'd all laugh. I'm not laughing now. People are doing this to me and mostly because I think I have DT (dangling tissue). It's not funny. All those years, I was the Jokester, now I'm the JokestEE.

You know, since I actually STARTED the Fake Food on Face joke, I think I can be the one to stop it. You can stop and start your OWN jokes. That one was mine. Deal?

Auto Me

Sometimes when my computer asks me, "Would you like to AutoArchive your old items now?" I think, "Yes, YES, I WOULD. THANK you for asking!"

If just more things could automatically take care of me that way, shoot.

Measure of a Person

I read this in a friend's office and thought, "This is how I want to be" (but I don't always do a very good job at it).

You can tell the measure of a person by how well they treat someone who can do nothing for them in return.

Not Me

I love the intelligence behind great ads--ones that say what everyone's thinking. Here's one I just saw with this copy over a picture of whale savers on a boat in an icy ocean.

Some people risk their lives in the Antarctic to save the whales. Those people are called not me. whales.greenpeace.org You don't have to join us to join us.

Drop It

I kinda LIKE Pen Droppers. I've worked around a lot of them, and they're rather intelligent. I think it's because they're so focused on creative thought -- on getting answers far beyond the normal earthling -- that they're not so focused on gripping that pen. So...it...just...falls.

And it's kinda fun to watch. It's like they don't even realize they're holding a pen, 'cause it's JUST a pen, right? But it drops and they pick it up and they don't even break stride with whatever they were saying. And it repeats several times in a meeting.

It's actually cool to see. Women are most natural at this. In fact, Women are the ONLY ones I've seen with this talent. But EVERYone should witness one Pen Dropper in motion before they die.

Once a coworker, who is really a brilliant person, was standing in front of our client and account team but was oblivious to the marker (in her hand), which was leaving a trail all over her yellow sweater.

Three of us (including the client) sat in shock as she was lost -- or very creative -- in her presentation and kept marking up her sweater. We, uh, really didn't know what to say 'cause it was kinda too late. And when SHE finally saw it, she was HORRIFIED because, well, it was a new sweater that just said hello to a permanent marker.

But the ideas? Brilliant.

Eat It, Love It, Not Sharin'

Okay, I'm NOT gonna share dessert with other mouths JUST because those, you know, Mouths happen to be sitting around the same dinner table as I. (Bugs.) And I really don't understand why other GROWN men would share either. And I don't get why others pressure me so.

I TOTALLY get why women order dessert, take a forkful, moan some luscious sound and then pass it to others. I get that. But when MEN do that same thing, I think they just fold under the pressure of peers. Truth be told. Fess it.

MenFolk, you don't HAVE to do that. If you want to get a mountain of Chocolate Decadence, you don't HAVE to share with ANYbody. It's okay. Just eat it. What guilt? 'Cause you don't slide YOUR dessert to somebody with a saliva-laden fork? It's okay, buddy. You're okay. You're paying for it. Keep on eatin'.

If you feel guilt, join MY table. We order. Eat. Smile. Stay healthy.

Tooth This

I'm all for technology. In fact, I hang out at the electronics stores just to fuss with the latest. But I don't get the whole Blue Tooth thing with people wearing them in meetings (not on a call) or in the restroom (not on a call) or eating lunch and not on a call. That makes no sense to me. Is it THAT hard to dismantle Tooth from Ear?

One night I was at a nice place for dinner and saw two couples at another table with the macho-looking man was wearing the Tooth -- ALL through dinner. Was it a fashion statement? (Ugly.) Was he expecting a call that couldn't wait? (Macho does not mean important.) Did he forget it was attached to his ear? What was the point? He looked like an IDIOT.

For the love of it all, can't we just agree that, 1. Technology is great; and 2. We're not going to be stupid about it.