Falling in Love

Generally, which do you think falls in love quicker: Women or Men?

Why?

Dimples

My daughter told me some Chinese guy said you can actually make your OWN dimples by smiling a certain way real hard for a long time.

Huh? Don't dimples either come: 1. Naturally, or 2. From a kit?

Never Ever

I've never caught a fish.

What have You never done?

Ritz

Lately, I've really taken a liking to Ritz crackers.

Gold and Silver

So the NBC Olympics commentator for women's synchronized swimming just said:

"These women have to earn it. They know they're not just going to get a gold medal handed to them on a silver platter."

Uh, yeah...wouldn't it be a gold platter?

Fat Happy

Do you think fat cells are happier because, you know, they're bigger and there's probably a lot more going on in there? Like a big party?

Sharing a Bathroom

The dangers of sharing a bathroom are like today when I was brushing my teeth, and amid all the foam, I was either feeling the edge of a large bubble or a hair.

Believer

Sometimes I get talking real fast, but when I come to the part where I say, "Believe it or not," that's where you can belieeeeeeve it . . . or not.

That's how that works.

Ducks

I think if you ever get behind a person who walks like a duck, you're gonna laugh.

And that would be rude, but some things you just can't help.

What We Got?

Why is it that nearly every advertiser thinks a British accent is more intelligent sounding that an American one?

England has that British accent. Scotland has that Sean Connery thing going. Spain gives us Antonio Banderas.

We got nothin.

Dumb Commercials

When I see TV ads of attorneys who say stuff like:

"Did you know we've won 237,000 personal injury cases?"

I wanna say, "Yeah, that's the number I had for you. 237,000. Yep."

Target is Target

Let's just agree that if you're IN America, you say Target and not Tar-zhay.

We're not French and we don't sound more cool by trying.

TV Cameras

Ever get bugged by those TV cameras that are RIGHT up in the face of the Olympic gymnasts right after they finish their deal with that sweat and all but the cameras are RIGHT THERE?

That's why I never pursued the sport.

The World

When someone says, "Hey, it's not the end of the world," don't they have to like wait for an hour to kinda verify that?

Dodging the Box

As a skinny 8th grader, I feared for my life in gym class when we started boxing exercises. I dodged being called into the ring until the day I heard Coach yell my name to come box some gorilla of a boy/man/thing.

Without thinking, I froze and yelped, "I'm a LOVER not a fighter!" (Why, I'll never know.)

Everyone in the gym went instantly quiet...until Coach started chuckling and skipped over me to the next name on the list.

Humor--it can Save Your Life.

Have Mercy

When someone says, "It's killing two birds with one stone," do we really have to jump to that level of violence? As if the birds actually DID something that horrible that we, you know...

And has anyone who says that actually picked up a stone and, well...

Couldn't we just replace the whole scene with, "It's like hugging two birds with one arm" or something?

Rich or Poor

Living with roommates in my earlier years, I found the richest ones tended to be the stingiest while the poorer ones shared freely.

You found that too?

Weather

Over the years, I've learned you can pretty much watch TV weathercasters on mute and still get the gist.

Just to Be Safe

At the beginning of the last dvd I was watching, it said something like:

The opinions expressed herein do not reflect the views and opinions of 20th Century Fox (blah blah)...

What a relief.

It Tires Me

Next time tire makers make car tires, could they write the PSI/air pressure number a LITTLE smaller so when I'm on my knees trying to read how much air should be IN the tire, I can put my nose RIGHT UP to the tire down low right there on the street and really feel like I'm one with my vehicle?

One Word Cat

If cats can only say ONE word, WHY do they have to say it over & over?

I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it.

Men's vs. Women's Brains

Do you believe this funny yet insightful explanation on the difference between men's and women's brains?

Good For You

Does every cake need a purpose? Or what if the purpose is to fill my belly?

Captain, O Captain

Please tell me why we need berries in Cap'n Crunch.

Does the Captain KNOW about this?

Smug Bugs

When someone comes up to me and smugly says, "I guess YOU didn't get the memo," I wanna say, "I guess You didn't get braces."