Taxi!

I've seen hundreds of people hail cabs in New York, and I've never seen anyone actually shout, "TAXI!" except in movies.

Oh, what a tangled web they weave. . .

Flights

So I'm on this five-hour, cross-country flight, and 90 minutes into it, the guy next to me has Flight Breath and he won't stop exhaling.

HOW could he NOT know?? Cookies. Peanuts. Diet Cola -- SOMEthing. Just swallow to dampen the effect. Or nostrils. Just use the nostrils.

What do you DO when you're trapped?

If I Ever

If I ever start treating a pet like a person, you know, like on a daily basis, slap me.

At a Loss

A year ago today, my dad died.

Does the emptiness ever go away?

Makes Me Laugh

Somtimes I say something just to make another person laugh. It started when I said something in kindergarten, others laughed and that tickled my tummy.

When no one laughs, it makes my stomach kinda hurt, but that's where Pepto coats.

Just for a Day

Just for a day, instead of saying, "Okay?" or "Do you agree?" say, "Ya dig?"

But when you say it, say it with confidence, like "Yeah, they're gonna dig" and then let me know, ya dig?

Distance From Dumb

I've always tried to keep my distance from knowing ANYthing about Dumb & Dumber, but more friends keep haunting me with it.

Hard Hitting

It's always interesting when the football coach says, "We told our team it's gonna be a hard-hitting game." 

As if you could ever imagine a coach saying, "Boys, today we're going for a medium-hitting game, so, uh, dial it back a little. We'll do the hard-hitting version next time."

When I Retire

When I retire, I think I'm going to write a series of books centered around the central figure (with glasses) called:

Larry Potter.

Seared in Memory

On the new Seinfeld/Bill Gates TV ad, I'm just not sure I wanna see two old guys' butts with one of them doing a little wiggle.

It's now seared in my brain and I don't think that's fair.

Can't Sleep?

When my kids were young, whenever one of them would walk in our bedroom, wake me and say, "I can't sleep," I'd say, "Maybe it's because your eyes are open."

That logic cured them. And you're welcome.

Dance, Dance, Dance

Don't you love how groups of complete strangers in movies can SUDDENLY break into spontaneous song and dance and be perfectly in sync?

How DO they do that?

Neck Poppin'

So you know when you pop your neck by pulling your ear to your shoulder?

Lately, mine only pops when I'm going to the right, and I'm thinkin' something's starting to fall apart.

What do you pop and who gets annoyed?

Lungs

When someone says they were screaming at the top of their lungs, don't they mean from the bottom of their lungs?